what it is like to change diapers (illustrated with crappy pictures™!)
INTRO: I've been wanting to share a few "real life parenting" moments but I don't have any photos. Everybody hates text only posts. So I drew some really crappy pictures to illustrate. Here goes...
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I have a four year old and a one year old. The one year old is still in diapers. Changing the diaper of a one year old is much more difficult with a four year old in the room.
And this is why.
No matter what, the moment I'm changing a diaper is the exact moment that my four year old suddenly, desperately needs to tell me something.
He presents his news as being so unbeliveable that it MUST be told to me right at this exact minute and of course I have to be facing him, looking him in the eyes while he tells me this unbelievable thing.
Whether or not poop is involved and the amount of the poop positively correlates with the urgency of his need for my attention.
If you suck at statistics this means MORE poop = MORE need mama.
At least I think. I suck at statistics.
Usually, I am very prepared for this situation.
One time recently though, I made a mistake. I was not prepared for poop. It was one of those phantom poops when you have no idea it is in there and you aren't armed and ready with wipes and distractions.
I turned my head away from the baby for just one second as I'm opening the diaper, to tell my four year old that it will be just a minute, thinking it was just pee we were dealing with.
The changing of a diaper transforms the baby into a spastic octopus. Dipping both heels and hands in the poop and flinging it all around the room like a lawn sprinkler.
Which is exactly what happened.
Moments later, in an attempt to deal with the situation, I have poop on my hands and arms and a heaping mound of soiled paper towels at my feet.
I sweetly explain to four year old that it will be a bit longer, that there is an extreme poop situation I'm dealing with here. I know I'm walking on eggshells.
Unfortunately, this extended time spent cleaning up has ignited an angry monster in my four year old. He MUST tell me his unbelievable thing. NOW!
He is getting more and more impatient, louder and louder and more and more angry.
MAMA! MAMA! MAMA!
The noise of him screaming MAMA! is deafening.
MAMA! I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING!
Okay, what is it, honey? Just tell me!
NO, YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT ME!!!
He is stomping his feet now and his face is turning red and tears are streaming down his cheeks. It sounds like someone is physically torturing him. MAMA! MAMA! MAMA! MAMA! MAMA! MAMA!
MAMA! MAMA!
My nerves are like daggers having had to block out being screamed at while trying to contain the poop explosion.
MAMA! MAMA! MAMA! MAMA! MAMA! MAMA!
But finally, the poop is mostly wiped up and the baby is secured in a clean diaper. I no longer need to focus 100% of my attention on the poop containment.
Now I can finally give my four year old the attention he so desperately requires. I am free to listen to his emergency.
But my teeth are still clenched and that tense feeling of stress has not left. I'm annoyed. Very.
Facing him, I see the anger drain from his face. He wipes his tears. Deep breath for both of us.
I'm thinking this better be good. After all that, this better be serious.
He pauses and his eyes widen. Like he is about to tell me something so unbelievable that I won't be able to handle it. This is it. This is his moment!
And he was right. It was fucking unbelievable.
And this is what it is like to change diapers with a four year old in the room.
I love it! Am laughing my head off! So glad there were no photos, but as a mum in a similar situation I thank you!
Posted by: Anna Bartlett | 05/15/2011 at 04:16 AM
That is hilarious!!! I have a hard enough time with one little one doing diapers, but then to have an urgent booger crisis at the same time....oh my.
:)
Posted by: Ally | 05/15/2011 at 05:48 AM
Oh my god, I love it. The crappy drawings make the story even better. You should totally keep going with the stories supplemented by drawings, it's really fun.
Posted by: KC | 05/15/2011 at 06:15 AM
I was uncertain what 'crappy pictures' meant. Much impressed (and relieved).
Posted by: allison | 05/15/2011 at 07:57 AM
I laughed so hard at this one....hilarious! This should go in parent magazine or something!
Posted by: shawn | 05/15/2011 at 11:10 AM
It's always one orifice or another and simultaneous excretion just adds to the party! Your drawings are sublime!
Posted by: annie | 05/15/2011 at 04:07 PM
Nailed it. This is eee-zackly what it is like!
Posted by: Joanna | 05/15/2011 at 06:13 PM
hysterical!
Posted by: angie | 05/15/2011 at 06:38 PM
hahaha, this is great! and oh so true, I remember those days ...
Posted by: Kristen (Creative Stash) | 05/16/2011 at 02:16 PM
love, love, love this! the pictures are PERFECT!
Posted by: Rebecca | 05/16/2011 at 07:18 PM
Excellent crappy pics. Such a great story. :)
PS Just wait until they are both teenagers.
Posted by: woolies | 05/17/2011 at 07:14 AM
Amber YOU MAKE ME LAUGH
Posted by: Mandy | 05/18/2011 at 10:02 PM
This is awesome! I loved this. Made me laugh. Thanks.
Posted by: Karen | 05/19/2011 at 08:54 PM
I believe that this is the best post EVER, in the history of blog posts.
And the pictures really made it. I'm so glad you included them.
Posted by: AmberS | 05/20/2011 at 04:55 PM
OMG! I live that moment at least 3 times a week! ROFL
My five year old pulls the same stuff when I'm changing my 3 month old...but he will also cry and pitch an absolute fit if I don't let him pick which diaper to put on his younger brother!
Your blog just got added to my "everyone is sleeping, I can have Mommy Time" morning reading list!
PS - the drawings actually made this WAY funnier, and were absolutely perfect.
Posted by: Cheryl | 05/20/2011 at 05:36 PM
This made my freakin day!! Awesome. Love it. So true.
Posted by: danielle | 05/23/2011 at 05:43 PM
YOU Are SOOOO Hilarious :)))) And so right on!!
Posted by: leililaloo | 05/26/2011 at 01:43 AM
I giggled. I am so not a giggler! Thanks!
Posted by: Heather | 06/04/2011 at 05:16 PM
Absolutely wonderful, I love this post, thank you!
Posted by: Kerry | 06/07/2011 at 01:29 PM
Wow! I just found your blog and we are like soul sisters. I have two boys also. One is 20 months and one is 3 yrs. This same poop story has happened to me as well. I'm loving your stories and your wooden people!
Posted by: Kristie | 06/07/2011 at 06:14 PM
Hahaha. Just found your blog via your Etsy shop. I can't believe how hilarious and true this is. My favorite is the octopus baby picture, I keep scrolling back up and laughing at it. (Sorry.)
Posted by: molly | 06/09/2011 at 06:40 AM
this is too funny. please keep it coming! my crisis is usually when the older one has to go pee as soon as I open up the baby's diaper to change her. and she insists on me helping her and can't wait even one second.
Posted by: Bo | 06/09/2011 at 05:46 PM
Just found your blog on FB through LLL New Zealand...fantastic I love it, very much looking forward to more.
Posted by: Lace | 06/10/2011 at 04:29 AM
Sooo funny and yet so true! My boys are now 4 and 8 and they never have anything to say to me, until I get on the phone. Then it's like their life will be over if they can't tell me something right this second!
Posted by: Nwetsch | 06/10/2011 at 08:03 AM
THAT was some funny sh!t man. Or not. LOL
Posted by: CarylRz | 06/10/2011 at 07:40 PM
stumbled on your blog and this almost made me pee my pants! As the mom to a 2.5 year old and one on the way I can totally see this happening!!
Posted by: Kathlynn | 06/10/2011 at 07:42 PM
really funny! my fave is the feces-flinging baby octopus. great job!
Posted by: Oh, Sugar! | 06/10/2011 at 08:24 PM
This is hilarious. I don't know how you manage not to scream, though. I think repressing the urge to scream has made my eyes permanently bulge out a tiny bit. Ah motherhood, how it changes you.
Posted by: joeysmom | 06/10/2011 at 08:50 PM
ROFL! Thanks! As a mother of 5 I can TOTALLY relate! Thanks SO much for sharing! I really needed a good laugh!
Posted by: vanessa | 06/10/2011 at 08:54 PM
I need you to have an entire blog illustrated with these "crappy" pictures. I want more. I'd read it day and night. Pinky swear.
Posted by: TheFeministBreeder | 06/10/2011 at 09:46 PM
OMG! Sooo hilarious! I have a 2 1/2 yr old and a 5 month old.
I busted out laughing about the booger. My toddler is obsessed .
Posted by: Amanda | 06/10/2011 at 10:01 PM
I'm laughing so hard I'm actually weeping. I just insisted on reading it to my husband, who seems vaguely amused but just doesn't seem to get it. I have a one year old and an almost-four year old. Tears are streaming down my cheeks. Solid gold here.
Posted by: Reynolda | 06/10/2011 at 10:31 PM
OMG I just laughed so hard I was crying!
Posted by: Sarah | 06/10/2011 at 10:43 PM
oh yes, you should submit this to a parenting magazine! I was laughing so hard (with my 8 month old on my lap) when in walks my 3.5 year old. "why are you laughing so much, mama?" I point to the screen and say "see this? this is what you do.... keep laughing." thanks for the laugh!
Posted by: Debra | 06/10/2011 at 10:48 PM
I think I may love you. i haven't laughed so hard in so long! Great!
Posted by: Elaine | 06/10/2011 at 11:10 PM
I teach 3K and 4K. It is exactly like this all day, except times 35 kids. #greyhairs
Posted by: CanCan | 06/11/2011 at 12:01 AM
Hi. La. Ri. Ous.
Makes me all the more glad we did EC (Elimination Communication/diaper-free) with our daughter, we never had poop explosions, ever! She's now the 4.5yo who always has something INCREDIBLY important to tell us. :)
Posted by: Heather D | 06/11/2011 at 03:34 AM
Oh my goodness I haven't laughed that hard in awhile, and that situation is so true! It is always as soon as a diaper is coming off that my 4 year old daughter has THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO TELL ME! There have been a few boogers too. Thanks for sharing, love the drawings!
Posted by: Brittany Calvi | 06/11/2011 at 03:54 AM
I too, think I might love you just a little :thanks for the giggles:
Posted by: Erika | 06/11/2011 at 04:55 AM
love it, it's so true
ps.
doesn't need the word "fu------.
Posted by: sismoe53@hotmail.com | 06/11/2011 at 06:44 AM
i think it fits appropriately with the story, after all the over exagerated hype re: the booger, to have to find out the whole episode was over just a booger, i'd be saying the same thing :)
Posted by: Kellythestrange13 | 06/11/2011 at 07:03 AM
Love it!! I have an 8 mo and twin 3 1/2 yos, I FEEL you pain. F word and all :)
Posted by: Mikeandstaceydoyon | 06/11/2011 at 09:25 AM
perhaps you should have just asked your four year old what he wanted the first time he asked. Then he'd go on his way.
I have a four year old and a 1.5 year old and never have this problem.
Posted by: Really | 06/11/2011 at 10:12 AM
HILARIOUS! I LOVE your blog! LOVE love love it!
Posted by: MummyinProvence | 06/11/2011 at 10:43 AM
OMG that was so funny! I was in a bad mood until I read that, now I'm laughing. That is exactly what its like to be a parent!
Posted by: Kara | 06/11/2011 at 11:44 AM
So freaking funny!
Posted by: Jackie | 06/11/2011 at 01:43 PM
Make more of these please! I love it!
Posted by: Marilee | 06/11/2011 at 01:46 PM
I love it because it is so true!!
Posted by: Veronica | 06/11/2011 at 02:49 PM
I am laughing so hard I'm tearing. Spastic Octopus, yes that's the exact right term and here I thought I was the only person who had one of those!
Posted by: Bonnie Carroll | 06/11/2011 at 02:57 PM
Omg I laughed so hard...the visual the visual of the spastic octopus is WAY to real!
Posted by: Belinda Brown | 06/11/2011 at 06:20 PM
OMG, I had a really bad one year old poop in the bathtub/more in the diaper/more on the floor before new diaper went on/ran out of wipes/while trying to put five year old to bed experience tonight and this post was *exactly* what I needed!! Your drawings are absolutely wonderful :-)
Posted by: D | 06/11/2011 at 10:59 PM
my almost 4yo just asked
mama why are you crying ...
I'm not crying I'm laughing ...
oh....
waaaa ...
the 8mo woke up
thank goodness the 8yo and 10yo are at the store with dad...
Posted by: Elizabeth Rishavy | 06/12/2011 at 09:16 AM
Thanks for making me giggle... I can relate to the poopy octopus baby.
Posted by: Courtney | 06/12/2011 at 11:11 AM
Hi again! This is totally normal: your 4 year old is crying out for attention. its no coincidence he chooses exactly the time you are handling his bb brother with almost undevided attention to desperately seek your attention.
1 - Try to have more moments just for him: have some else look after the younger for one hour or so and give the elder your UNDIVIDED attention (no phones, tv, dinner, tidying, etc). Just talk, play or do something with him, just you 2. It can be only 15 minutes a day, but you will see the difference aftter a while.
2 - as hard and silly as it seems, Try to get him involved in tending to the baby: change the diapers in a place at his eye-level and explain what you are doing. Then ask if he wants to try it: yes, it will be desastrously put, but you can fix it after and your son will have the sense of accomplishment and insertion.
Children are keen of attention and they can haddle a lot more things that we think they can.
all the best :)
Posted by: moya | 06/13/2011 at 03:24 AM
This is one of the funniest things I have read.... You made my day. You should write a book.
Posted by: Katrina | 06/13/2011 at 03:32 AM
Too funny because it is oh so true to real life! One of those things that is only funny after the fact. Thanks for sharing - love the pictures too, especially 'octopus baby'! :)
Posted by: Lisa | 06/13/2011 at 05:00 PM
LMAO!!! oh my gosh, I am so sorry that I laugh so much at this... no wait... I'm not. You aer awesome with your drawings. I LOVE THEM. thank you so much for the much MUCH needed laughter this momma needs!! :)
Posted by: rebekahgittings@gmail.com | 06/13/2011 at 10:48 PM
These are fabulous
Posted by: K Wojnowski | 06/13/2011 at 10:52 PM
Fantastic! Please, please, please can we feature this on our guest blog spot one week on The Survival Guide for Rookie Moms? Please email me at the given address to chat.
Posted by: RookieMommy | 06/14/2011 at 03:04 AM
me too!!
Posted by: Jill | 06/14/2011 at 03:26 AM
I love both of these installments....and mostly because of the "crappy pictures". keep em coming....and no real pics, it's not as fun!
Posted by: Kari | 06/14/2011 at 11:49 AM
That is my 3 year old. Exactly! ...except minus the second child and poop flying everywhere. But always with the screaming "MAMAMAMAMA" at the worst moments, just to show me a flippin' booger...or an ant. :)
Posted by: Christina | 06/14/2011 at 02:10 PM
I found you through a facebook page, and I have to say these cartoons made me laugh so hard I cried...so funny and so relatable, as I have 2 small kids too. You're a funny lady!
Posted by: Helene | 06/14/2011 at 08:33 PM
omg i love you
Posted by: Misslipka | 06/15/2011 at 01:15 PM
Spot on! Thank you for making my day!
Posted by: momci | 06/15/2011 at 01:51 PM
I was trying to read this to DH, but I was laughing so hard that tears are streaming down, and I was totally unintelligible!
Posted by: Kisha | 06/15/2011 at 09:04 PM
love it, love u'r drawings!!
Posted by: tash | 06/16/2011 at 09:46 PM
omg this is hilarious! *wipes.off.tears*
Nev
Posted by: Nev | 06/17/2011 at 01:17 AM
I love the stalling , "mama, mama, um, mama, I um, mama, I ..." well, what is it? " (child looks around the room for anything to think about since they really aren't thinking of anything and sees a cup) Mama, I'm thirsty.
Posted by: Amber D. | 06/17/2011 at 09:44 PM
Too right!
Posted by: little betty | 06/17/2011 at 09:52 PM
Now that was important news! I loved this! And it's a preview foe me. My 3 year old is already pulling this nonsense with me and my baby is 5 months!
Posted by: Old School/New School Mom | 06/21/2011 at 04:10 AM
I love this! Soooo funny! I haven't laughed out loud like that by myself in a long time!
Posted by: Angie Skelton | 06/22/2011 at 12:43 PM
Oh man. I have tears streaming down my face. LMBO! I so know the feeling! My girls are 5, 18 months, and 3 weeks. The REAL fun is when I'm changing a breastfed baby's squirty diaper while my 18 month old is pitching a fit, hitting me AND my 5 year old is drama-queening! Keep up your hilarious posts and drawings!!
Posted by: Misty Headrick | 06/23/2011 at 09:10 PM
I have not cried with laughter in a long time. thank you so much
Posted by: kikki | 06/24/2011 at 09:54 PM
This was just what I needed!! lol
Posted by: Cheryl P | 06/29/2011 at 05:33 PM
Hooray! New illustrations and stories! I don't even have kids, but somehow I must relate to the general frustration, or perhaps I just like your style. :) Your crappily drawn stories are the best! You are a natural and I very much look forward to reading more. Thanks for the laughs!
Posted by: Angela | 07/01/2011 at 08:51 PM
hilarious! i should be filling orders right now but this is just way too entertaining.
Posted by: Pamela Susan | 07/06/2011 at 10:22 AM
Seriously, you are amazing. these pics may be "crappy' but they have me and my hubby rolling.
Posted by: Adrienne | 07/11/2011 at 07:41 PM
Too funny & nicely done! =)
~Penny
http://thepennywisechick.com
Posted by: Penny | 07/15/2011 at 07:13 PM
you made my day!
Posted by: jenn f | 07/15/2011 at 07:35 PM
This is hilarious! I only have one baby right now who's 5 months, but I think someday this may happen to me.
Posted by: Erica | 07/15/2011 at 08:41 PM
This totally made my day.
Our Growing Garden
Posted by: Ourgrowgarden | 07/15/2011 at 08:54 PM
Oh, my gosh, I'm dying! I have a 4 year old and a 1 year old and this is spot on!
Posted by: Amy T. | 07/15/2011 at 09:10 PM
BAHAHAHAHA, OMG!! I have SO been there!! i am laughing so hard I am crying and I think I may have peed my pants (just a tiny bit though lol).
I can SO relate to this, as I think every mom can, but more so because I have 3 in diapers (well 2 are now day trained but that just happened this week). It never fails, everyone always needs something when I am changing a diaper and the dirtier the diaper the more they need it. My kids are notorious for this.
My kids are also notorious for needing a drink/snack as soon as the baby latches on to nurse, never fails!
Posted by: Christy @Adventures in Mommyhood | 07/16/2011 at 06:00 AM
OMG ITS SOOOO TUREEEEEE mine are 20 mo. apart 3.5 and the other is almost 2! i cant tell you how often stuff like this happens!!!
Posted by: sharon | 07/16/2011 at 05:12 PM
This is very very funny! My 2nd one is coming in less than 2 mths time, I hope our 2 year old doesn't do this then! :P
Posted by: Jenny @ I'm a full-time mummy | 07/17/2011 at 10:50 PM
No person deserves your tears, and who deserves them won't make you cry.
Posted by: cheap nike air max uk | 07/19/2011 at 08:41 PM
I welcome myself to your world. I was going to welcome you to mine but you got their first and you did it with fantastic crappy pictures. Love this.
Posted by: kat | 07/20/2011 at 09:11 PM
It's like reading about my life, with crappy pictures! lol I have an 8 month old, a 4 year, 3 cats, and 2 dogs... things are interesting. :) I was laughing hysterically the entire time!!
Posted by: Keri | 07/28/2011 at 08:39 PM
Crying with laughter here at the 'spastic octopus' oh gosh, been there done that. I have a 2 year old and a 5 year old.
Posted by: Amy | 07/29/2011 at 01:10 PM
I think your blog is very funny and very real to life, as if I wrote it. But when you swear and use profanity it totally turns me off. If you leave those kind of words out you could have a larger audience able to read this. I won't show any of my children because we don't use those words. Why are they needed?? It takes away from the funny.
Posted by: callahan | 08/04/2011 at 08:16 AM
Well, now I know not to read your blog at work. It's hard not to crack up laughing! I have tears, omgosh, my face is so red.
Posted by: Angelica | 08/12/2011 at 03:27 PM
Oh my life, that is so funny.
I have a nearly 3 year old and a 15 month old and both still in nappies. Changing a nappy when a 15 month old is in the room is also no easy task.
Posted by: Bec | 08/12/2011 at 03:53 PM
The cursing makes it funnier and more relatable. Don't let the party poopers get ya down :D
Posted by: Amanda | 08/13/2011 at 11:26 AM
wow i haven't laughed this long in a long time. you are so funny you should get an award. im crying laughing, of course i'm holding it in too so as to not wake sleeping toddler, and that just makes it even worse like giggling in elementary school so the teacher doesnt notice. great stuff.
Posted by: Christine Jones | 08/17/2011 at 06:49 PM
i agree totally
Posted by: Christine Jones | 08/17/2011 at 06:50 PM
LMFAO!! oh I almost spat my cuppa over my laptop when I got to the octopus bit, so funny cos it's so true!! you have a wonderful way with words, don't ever stop!!
Posted by: Amy | 08/24/2011 at 10:15 PM
This is hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: tricia | 08/28/2011 at 12:22 PM
Love, love, love this post!
Posted by: Crittersandcrayons.wordpress.com | 08/28/2011 at 12:24 PM
This makes me glad my kids are ten years apart. Thanks for the laugh!
Posted by: TarukandZizosMama | 09/01/2011 at 10:28 PM