well-child doctor visits...illustrated with crappy pictures™

I hate well-child doctor visits. Especially once I started noticing that my kids would get sick approximately 48 hours after their well-child visits. Every. Damn. Time.

Oh sure, the waiting room has a designated "reserved for healthy kids" section but it is sort of like the division of smoking and non-smoking sections in an enclosed space.

So we had a well-child appointment for the baby and I was determined that no matter what, they were NOT going to get sick this time. 

My plan was to not allow them to touch anything.  It was a good plan.

Which failed the moment my son touched the door handle. Yes, this was an obstacle I overlooked, but I was still determined to follow the original no touching plan from now on.

After all, the door handle was not my biggest obstacle.  It was the bookshelf.      

The bookshelf has three levels.  The top two shelves are a jumble of books with tattered and sticky pages.  The bottom shelf houses toys.  The bookshelf is usually surrounded by kids who most likely have the plague.  

Every mother knows that when your child is sick he gets to play with the toys. When your child is not sick you do everything in your power to avoid physical contact with the toys.

So my son takes a few steps toward the bookshelf while I'm signing us in.

  

I came prepared!  I have stickers, markers, new books and even a small puzzle. Surely I have something in my bag of tricks that will interest him more than the bookshelf.

Nope.

Toys. New toys! He doesn't see the green slime, the cesspool of germs. He doesn't see the sleepless nights with the whining and crying and fevers. He only sees the toys. 

I have to come up with something.  Fast!  Must follow the plan. Time for the big guns.

The phone! I hold it out and wiggle it a little to make it even more enticing.

He takes the bait.

And so we sit for the next fifteen minutes as kids and moms are shuffled in and out of the door.  My kids touch nothing.  Great success, the plan is working!

Before we know it, they call us back.

 

I'm feeling so victorious that I don't even tell him to shut the phone off so he can walk properly. Instead, I put my hand on his head, guiding him.

So we get into the examination room. My son is still occupied on the phone. The doctor comes in and I'm busy balancing the baby on the scale.

The boy says he is done and hands me the phone. He is looking in the full length mirror. 

I pay no attention to the mirror until he puts his mouth on it, doing that thing that kids do where they blow air and make their cheeks puff out.

And I notice how filthy it is. At least 20 other kids before him did this same trick.

I have him sit in the chair and I explain for the millionth time about germs and getting sick.

He listens. 

I even notice him nodding a bit when I say "medicine" so I knew he understood.

But there was a mistake somewhere in my lecture.  Clearly.

He bent over and licked the arm of the chair. Licked it. Like with his tongue.  

The arm of the chair where very sick people have sat and rested their very sick hands.

And he quite happily explained it. He loves medicine.

When I warned about medicine I was speaking from my own childhood of cough syrup that burned my nostrils. But to him, medicine is yummy and comes in fruit flavors. 

Plan failed. He ate the germs. I stood there, dumbfounded and wondered if I should pour hand sanitizer in his mouth. Probably not.

On the way out I had to stop at the desk to pay the co-payment for the visit. The credit card machine wasn't working properly so they had to find their manual card swiper. It took a few minutes.

The boy got impatient and once again his gaze turned towards the taboo toys.

This time though I just shrugged. Why not?  He already licked two surfaces. What are a few more germs on his hands going to do?

I believed sickness was inevitable anyway. 

Over the next two days I watched him carefully, looking for signs.

But he seemed fine the next day.

And the day after that.

And the day after that too.

In fact, this is the one and only time he didn't get sick from a visit to the doctor's office.

I guess my plan worked after all.

Comments

[ashley english]

i. love. this. you're hilarious, and spot on with all this baby business. keep 'em coming.

[Evin Cooper]

I love your drawings!! Awesome! Trips to my ped's office are a two-man job. One parent/grandparent/friend waits in the vehicle with all the children. Other parent goes in and checks in. We inform them we are waiting in the vehicle and give them cell phone number. They call us, I (cuz daddy is scared of the doctor) take the child w/ the appt in, and the other adult leaves, taking the kids to the Family Dollar next door. It's a huge event but well worth the hassle to keep my kids from getting sick. If one gets sick, they all get sick, and I wind up washing puke laundry 14 times a day and that .. makes. mommy. cranky.

[Amy]

oh, the licking picture. That's some good stuff. - from the mother of 2 children who have licked far too many airport seats

[Dena]

omg I laugh so hard at your entries. Sadly, they are funny cuz they are so true. I think we could be best friends! LOL

[kat - kats in the belfry]

every time we go to the doc, i request they remove the books & toys. so far they haven't, but i'm not giving up.

[Crystal]

Love these!

[Stephanie Verrier Lafrenaye]

I am now addicted to your blog. Please keep them coming. I crack up laughing everytime.

[houseywifey]

I think you and I are parenting twins! The phone trick - oh how I love the phone trick!

[Laura]

I need to stop reading these while trying to nurse the baby to sleep. All the same, thank you for the hilarity!

[Mrsjawalker]

LOVE it! you hit spot on every time... been sharing this w/ my cousin who's expecting her 1st baby. to prepare her for what will be :)

[Kelly]

I got to the slurp picture and just about had a heart attack...I am still having trouble breathing after laughing so hard. You are awesome. :)

[Rainyday]

My doctor's office removed alllllll of the toys. I don't really care what they play with (though my oldest does that damn licking trick, too. Yick!!!!!) but with no toys there, I have to come super prepared. And then they spend the whole time in the waiting room running up and down the length of it, sometimes crashing into other patients and staff, ignoring anythign 'fun' I brought from home. Unless it's snacks, and I blatantly disregard their "No eating" signs.

[Colleen]

I love your crappy pictures! You are awesome.

[Jema]

We don't do well visits. Just. don't. do. them. If they're sick, we go in. Otherwise we don't bother.

[Rachel G]

Was your baby sleeping in your arms? My 18 month old is all over the place when I take my 4 year old in WEEKLY for allergy shots. It freaked me out when he started wanting down, but I finally gave in and let them both play...and surprisingly they don't get sick too often.

[Susan Taylor]

Currently, I'm feeling like the world's worst mom, so don't anybody interpret this comment as me thinking I'm better than anybody else, ok? None of my kids every licked anything in the doctor's office, and it's a really good thing because I think I probably would have died on the spot. Very inconvenient for the doctor, etc. Hilarious post though.

[Susan Taylor]

Love "Crappy Baby" being called back. You are inspired Mrs. Crappy.

[Heather]

Ok so I'm serious now when I give you this piece of advice. You realy should be doing a book of these. I'd totally buy a copy or ten.

[mary]

Way too funny. I caught one of my sons licking the seat on the subway the other day. I'm glad my kids aren't the only one who do such crazy disgusting things.

[Michele]

Love your work! I am currently procrastinating on scheduling two of my kids well-child visits because they too end up sick afterwards. The most obnoxious part is that our Dr. only schedules the healthy kids as the last appointment of the day. That way they are behind schedule (making your wait as long as possible) and the rooms are also swarming with germs from a FULL day of sick people.

[Lyssa]

This is my favorite so far! My oldest did the same thing, licking his hands after caressing the handrails at our local subway stop, because he equated being sick with getting to watch movies on the computer.

[Cathy]

UGh, I hate that they make medicine taste good to children! 25 different flavors, your choice! Medicine should not taste like candy! Seriously, I feel like we are embedding them some wrong info into their brains. It's hard for me to explain to my son not to take medicine when he's not sick or take other people's medicine because it's good. I could rant on that for awhile.
I also don't bother with the visits to avoid situations like these. Trying to avoid 2 children from licking and playing with toys(that have been there for at least 10years,eww) while the baby is being checked. Not fun.

[Marta]

You are sooooo right. I took my daughter in for her 9 mth well child on Monday and she was completely healthy. On Tuesday she had a rash and was sent home from daycare, I take her to the doctor and lo and behold 24 hours later she magically has a double ear infection. WHY!?

[Anna]

We dont go to well-child visits. Whats the point? The child is fine. Its just a chance for them to raise eyebrows over the fact DD is STILL bfing (well duh, she's not even 2) and that she hasnt had all the myriad vaccination shots on offer to make big pharma bigger.
Going to the Dr is pointless for us usually too cos my kids dont like the medicine and refuse to take it. They'll drink juice like its going out of fashion but not something that tastes like concentrated fruit sugars. Weirdos!

[tara]

This is too funny. I hate the waiting room at the pediatrician's office. Wouldn't it be great if they just assigned you to a sterile cubicle the moment you walked in?

[RookieMommy]

Fantastic! I am exactly like you on doctor visits. I feel like a germ magnet as we walk through the door. I eye waiting room patients for signs of imminent vomit or violent coughing fits. I sit near the least ill looking person (pregnant women and old people are a good bet for being the least contagious). Yet there are moms there letting their little ones crawl around under the chairs, play with those infested toys. It makes me shudder. I wish I was able to be loosen up and be like them.

[Carrie]

OMG! While at the allergist last week, my 2.5 year old was obsessed with trying to lick the sink. WTF?! I was horrified.

[Melinda]

Lol!! Sooo true. Nothing makes me crazier than keeping them from touching everything there. Same thing happens at the grocery store with them putting their mouth on the edge of the checkout. Ugh!!

[Tanya]

"He ate the germs" lol

Why do they have to put their mouths on everything! Gah! My 4 year old does this and it drives me mad.

[Rainyday]

Took both mine in for check ups today and thought of you the whole time. Had a total lightbulb moment in the waiting room and gave them both magazines and told them to find a specific item (that I'd managed to scout out in the nanosecond I had before handing them over). It was a new and interesting enough challenge that it kept them occupied juuuust long enough!

They already had viruses, though, which was why we were there, so I wasn't concerned about them coming home with one. But I guess I saved some other kids from coming along and licking their virus-licked chair arms and/or floor and/or the stirrups on the exam table. True story.

You're welcome.

[Tori]

I love these so much! It's all so true-I laugh reading each of your posts!!

[Jillsmo]

Oh my god. I love you. I am in love with you. This is my new favorite blog of all time. OF ALL TIME.

[Yasmin @ alittlelessfluff]

You're great! I have had similar situations. Regardless if the kids are sick or not I just freak out over them touching the toys in the docs office. I'm so paranoid! haha!

[seastar]

The pictures are very funny, but please, everyone, get your kids in for the vaccinations. Even if you have to tie on one of those face masks. I remember polio. And some of the others. Many of them are starting to come back because people are not vaccinating their kids. Please, PLEASE, don't risk your beautiful children! Get all the shots.

[Kasey]

This is exactly WHY we don't go to "Well baby visits" If your child is WELL, They are just that. Dont need no poking and prauding. And My child does NOT need to be on a height/weight scale or charts.
If my child gets sick *(which is RARE)* I take him to a walk in and or the ER.

[Kimberly]

LOL! I soooo relate to this one!

[Rebecca Henson]

Seriously? Seriously? This is a repeat of my well visits with one more kid added to the mix. Every 5 seconds I rub hand sanitizer all over their hands. I get the stroller and strap them in- I explain like you do - they love medicine. Holy crap. I thought I was alone!!!!!!!!!!!!

[RidgewoodMom]

I can't stop laughing! Tears inducing laughter! Licking of the arm chair...disgusting... yet rings so true. New fan!

[D]

Another Mama here that doesn't do well visits. Yuk-o-rama! Funny post though!

[Lucy522]

I just had to say that I'm crying from laughing so hard just reading this! As a mom of 2 preschoolers, I can totally relate! You are a genius! These should be in the comics section of the newspaper, or even in your own book! I want to send this to every mom I know! Keep up the great work! :D

[Martha aka Momsoap]

Too funny! I skipped my daughter's well visits from 1 yr - 2.5. I figured if she looked okay to me, I didn't need to take her in. Then when we went in right before 3, I just had to catch up on a few shots. They gave me the stink eye, but whatever. Doctor's offices are a cesspool. In more ways than one.

[elin]

I love how the nurse called you to the back.."baby crappy". Cracked me up! too funny
.

[Jill]

Oh my goodness, that's hilarious! And here I've been feeling guilty for putting off a 4 yr well-check...don't think we'll bother. ;) Loved the "baby crappy" too!

[anne]

we're at the YMCA. They have those industrial toilets with the long shiny silver pipe rising to adult waist level before it gets to the flushing handle. The toilet is around the entrance to the pool, so the shiny silver pipe is dripping with condensation. I look up, and my son is LICKING the water. of the toilet. at the Y.

[Jho]

and they say there's no parenting manual... here it is!!! i'd buy a copy of your book for any expecting parent LMAO ;-D

[dee]

Okay so I literally LOL at this. Days before we go for a well visit, I start plotting about how I'm going to keep her away from those darn filthy toys. I've used the phone a lot so it doesn't always work, but if I tell my daughter there's a new game, I MIGHT keep her away from the toys. If she absolutely insists, I do the lamest, most paranoid thing ever ... I pull out sanitizer wipes and wipe the toys down. Yep. And actually, I hope the office staff sees me do it so that it might dawn on someone that it would be great if those disgusting toys were actually CLEANED.

My other strategy is to douse her in hand sanitizer but really, if I could put a face mask on her and not seem like a total lunatic, I would.

I just found your blog and LOVE it. Really. It's both entertaining and validating, which is just a lovely combination.

[Mary S]

My niece once licked the water spray handle at a Children's Museum. You know, like there's a place where there's 4 or 5 big metal water sprayers that the kids can spray water against a wall or at some targets...yes, she licked it. The metal. Not even where the water would be.

My sister contemplated washing her mouth out with the vast amount of antibacterial lotion she'd brought.

Two days later, sick as dogs. The whole family.

[Grace]

This exact scenario happened to us two weeks ago at the doctor's office, only instead of licking the arm rest of a chair, my toddler dove under the chairs where I couldn't reach her and proceeded to *lick the floor*. The floor! :/

[Armstrong]

The pictures are very funny

[Meggin D]

Me too! :)