what it is like to eat in a nice restaurant...illustrated with crappy pictures™

Every so often our extended family convinces us to eat in a nice restaurant. All of us. With the kids.  Every time we say "Yes" and then give ourselves a reassuring pep talk that goes something like this:

"Hey, the kids are older now, it will be easier than last time. Nothing to worry about. This time it will be different!"  And so we go.  

Like last weekend.

So we get seated and the baby decides that he is NOT going in the highchair.

He decides this loudly.

 
Already I'm sweating.  I nervously look around the restaurant to see if there are other kids.  There are a few so we aren't the only ones.  Just the only loud ones.  I promise crayons and he sits.

Because of his reaction I'm unprepared and he manages to grab a fork and a plate.

He nearly hits my husband in the head, who is already talking to his brother. Thankfully, I get it back before anything breaks.

 

Once I've cleared the baby zone on the table I direct my attention to my four year old who has been patiently waiting for crayons.

I get out some crayons and paper and the menus arrive.

I don't actually get to open my menu because I'm playing the game of baby drop the crayon and mama will pick it up.  I have to pick it up because if I don't he says, "UH OH!  CRAYON!" repeatedly with a sad face and the whole restaurant looks at me expectantly.

So I open the menu when the waitress arrives and I order something quickly.  I also order a glass of wine.

My glass of wine arrives and I savor it for five whole seconds.  The kids are occupied and happy.  Wow! It really is different this time!

Until my four year old has decided he has had enough of crayons. Does he want a book? No. A toy? No. He shields everything I have in my mama bag arsenal. I'm out.  I need backup.

 
So I throw daggers at the back of my husband's head with my eyes.  He feels them.  He turns his attention to our four year old.  

We switch spots.  

 
Usually, my husband is very good at coming up with things to keep the little ones entertained.  This time however, I'm not sure what he is up to.

Until I see that he is folding a paper airplane. 

 
A paper airplane.  In the hands of a four year old.  In a nice restaurant.  

 

Before I can stop it, it is in the air.  His throw combined with my husband's (now apparent) skill at paper airplane crafting and it glides across the restaurant.

And hits a lady on the back of her head.

 
It startles her and she turns to look at us with that half smirk, half dissappointed in society look on her face. I apologize but all I really want to do is point at my husband and say, "he did it".

Fortunately, the waitress is heading to our table with appetizers.

Now a good, career server understands the concept of the clear space on a table that is the baby zone. It is there for a reason, that reason being that the baby will grab everything within his reach. An experienced server knows not to put spillable, sharp, fragile or hot things directly within the parameters of a cleared baby zone.

Our waitress is not a career server. 

 
So when she plops the piping hot basket of fries down directly in front of him in the clear baby zone, I am ready to run interference and I push it farther away.

Now these fries are seriously hot.  Too hot for the kids.  But they are hungry. Fries!  Now!

So I blow on one.  The speed of which I can cool these things down is not fast enough for the kids. Hungry! More fries! Now!  

 

So my mother-in-law helps out with the cooling.

Meanwhile, all the men are doing this:

 

And soon the fries have cooled on their own so I stop blowing on them and can actually eat some.

But they are gone.

 
This is okay though, because the waitress arrives with my entrée!  I can eat!  

Until...

followed immediately by...

 
Yes, they filled up on lemonade and fries. It was a necessary diversion at the time but now it has backfired.  They are done already and ready to go.  

Fortunately, the rest of the family helps out and the baby is passed from lap to lap and the four year old circles the table chatting with everyone.

 
Everyone tells me to "go ahead and eat" while they entertain the kids.

I feel bad though, knowing that their food is getting cold so I inhale the food as fast as I can.

 
I don't actually taste it.  I finish as fast as possible and take the kids back from whomever's food is getting cold.  

Finally, it is over.  Receipts have been signed and we are walking out the door. I wonder if the whole restaurant breathes a sigh of relief as we leave.  I certainly do.

On the way to the car, someone suggests doing it again soon.  They say they had a great time.

 
And I always say "Yes!"

Because, you know, next time it will be different!

 

Comments

[Miriam]

I've sooooooo been there! Eventually it *will* be different, I promise.

[Michelle]

As a new parent and a former employee of a nice restaurant, I can absolutely relate to this! Well done....hilarious!!!

[Janine Garvey]

bahahaha I love these! Keep up the great writing, it's like reading the days of my ife! :p

[Teri]

wow. perfectly captured. i never knew i what an awesome speed eater i was until my two boys brought out my potential...ah, the hidden talents of motherhood.

[KC]

I'm totally on this with you. We just don't go to restaurants with toddlers. Thanks for making me laugh. I needed it after being awake for an hour and half int he middle of the night with a toddler who had turned her mommy detector up to 10 so that any time I thought she was asleep and shifted my weight to leave the room, she would wake up and scream mama! Needless to say she did not sleep in...Thanks for the laugh!

[Kelly]

I love the drawing of the baby's looooong arms - they totally do extend them that way!

And seriously with the servers - how do they not know NOT to put things in front of the baby? I had one set my coffee right in front of my little one the other day... :p

As always, you are awesome - thank you. :D

[Jamye]

Totally know the feeling of eating cold food at record breaking speeds. Eating is now just something I have to do to live, no longer taste the food for enjoyment. lol

Love your stories...its like I am there with you! You make something that in the moment is so nerve racking, hilarious. So sad and true its funny. I find myself looking forward to the next story.

Keep up the good work and I am serious...you need to compile these into a book!

[notaparentonpurpose]

We are relieved when you leave. I go to nice restaurants to avoid screaming kids. Stick to Chucky Cheese, please.. or get a sitter and enjoy your meal with us.

[Jonah Lisa]

What's with the purple muumuu, Amber? Do some laundry for Pete's sake.

[Ashley]

You know, you can't really 'avoid' children unless you plan on going to an 18+ joint. If people don't bring their children to restaurants and train them in proper behavior when they are young, what's to stop them from turning into rude, obnoxious young adults. You know, the kind who are too snooty and self centered to laugh a little and continue enjoying their meal when some mama and daddy bring their kids to a nice restaurant? I don't care if the restaurant notices my presence or my children's. It's a good experience for them.

Once again, absolutely hilarious. I loved it! The part about the server is sooo true! Last time we went out i swear the girl was trying to see if the baby could be faster than us. She literally put EVERY plate down jn the baby zone. Lol. I wish I wasn't on my phone so I could share it with my friends!

[Kirstie Farrar]

I love you. You are drawing my life. You just need to add one more kid......

[Sarah J]

I HATE going to restaurants with the in-laws!!!!!!! First, they don't understand 7PM bedtime, especially if the kids haven't had naps. Second, NO ONE helps me out. They are all too self absorbed eating, drinking and being merry, including my husband. No one occupies the toddler or pays attention to him until he is screaming their names.
Then, we always get the waitress that brings the kids' food last. So now, they are all so focused on their food when the toddler finally gets his that they can't even stop to help him cut his food or get him any ketchup. 90%, if not more, of my meal ends up in a to go box in hopes of being able to eat when we get home. Most of what is missing was probably eaten by the toddler while waiting on his food. Oh but wait! I can't eat when we get home because it's bedtime so I'm S.O.L.
The best example of just how oblivious they all are is right after baby #2 was born. I had a c-section, which means no heavy lifting for 4-6 weeks. I was wearing the baby in a carrier in case he got hungry. The toddler was potty training (not ideal timing, but he was ready) and had to go. I was the only one at the table that heard him... he wasn't even sitting by me. I told him to tell Daddy, but Daddy was too engrossed to hear.
So the 3 of us trekked across the restaurant to the bathroom. I had to lift him up to potty because the toilets are always too tall and then lift him to wash his hands. No one had noticed we were gone until we got back. My MIL said, "If you would have told me where you were going, I would have come along to help! You aren't supposed to be lifting!" Seriously? Where the hell did she think we were going, to the kitchen to help cook?!

[Candice]

I completely agree! Amber has a gift, I think!

[Candice]

Wow, seriously? I think that we'll all be relieved when *you* leave after that comment. Why are you here, anyway, if you don't like kids?

Kids scream and whine. It's part of who they are, and even the best parents deal with it on some level. Apparently, some childless adults are just as whiny.

Sorry for the snarkiness, but I just get way too aggravated by immature people who seem to believe the world is made for their own enjoyment and anything that takes away from their pleasure is a waste of space.

[Jill]

hilarious as usual!! I have never tasted a meal I've eaten while out with the kids...eat.as.fast.as.you.can and get the hell out of there! LOL!

[luvs2read]

Ahhh...LOL...so, so true! I only have one, but she IS a handful! Don't forget to add drawings of the spilled food in the highchair and on the floor under the table. The baby zone is HILARIOUS!

[ww]

been. there. love it!

[Penina]

Ahh… memories!

You could try places with play areas, too, if you have some in your town. But that still requires adults to do 20-minute guard duty trade-offs while the others eat. I also found *some* family-run restaurants are owned by child-friendly owners whose kids will romp with yours, and who know how to carry a tray of food quite gracefully over and around some serious Kid Action.

[d'Arcy]

Isn't it funny how even when you are making hilarious comics about parenthood, people STILL inundate you with their advice and opinions? Your comics are amazing. I agree, a book is in order. :)

[Amber Dusick]

Hey now, my purple muumuu is my mom uniform. Don't knock the muumuu!

[Kelly]

You have described our outings to resturants exactly - the baby zone, servers aware of said baby zone, wine, inhaling your food, apologizing for kid behavior, the crayon pick-up game, filling up on snacks before the meal (MY hubs always want to have their meal put in first and I'm like, are you kidding??? are you new???) and, especially, the sweating part. Yeah, let's do that again. I love to pay for anxiety and stress. I love your blog! Keep up the good work!

[Scott Elkin]

This is so damn timely, you have no idea!

[Murasaki]

Ha ha!
I say just go and enjoy it, try to keep it short and hope like hell the baby doesnt do a big sloppy poo because nice restaurant toilets never have change tables.
I find booby on tap is a good way to occupy baby. You just have to order something you can eat one handed - not steak!
We go to restaurants at lunch time too. That way you can enjoy a nice meal and snooty toots that dont think children should be allowed to breath their air (but will expect them to wipe their bums in the nursing home) can like it or lump it! Its lunchtime! Cheaper too.

[Chloe]

Oh I loved this, and so true! It's funny how a situation so stressful to mums can be so much fun for everyone else. It is getting easier for us with a 3.5 and 5.5 year old. Although the little one is still a bit trying. But then we only ever go to places that are specifically not fancy because we can't deal with the stress, even now.

[Hailey]

notaparentonpurpose - You're special.

[Amanda]

Seriously, are you stalking me? Because that was like a scene from my life right down to the throwing daggers at the back of your husband's head.

Please, please give this woman a book deal.

[Amber Strocel]

You clearly have a gift. Who knew that your artistic medium would be crappy pictures?

As for us, the second to last time we took our kids to a restaurant, it WAS different. We got cocky. We took them to another restaurant not that long after, thinking maybe they were finally old enough. We got schooled. Probably not a shocker, in retrospect.

[Emma]

You are brilliant - I think you are about to have a serious following if you keep this up! Thankyou for making me laugh out loud!!

[Becky Oh]

Please keep going with this! I've got 4 kids at home.. ages 9 months, 4, 6 and 14... and these posts are priceless!

[Alison]

Too bad us moms are never dining together at the same time and place - it would certainly alleviate some pressure!

I've just discovered your blog and am an instant fan. You really capture the madness and joy of parenting young ones. Bravo! Looking forward to your next post.

Alison
I've just started documenting my transition from working, breadwinner mother to stay at home mom. Hope you take a read!
http://theidentityofme.blogspot.com/

[WordyDoodles]

Amber, I heart you and your 'crappy pictures (tm).' I especially love the first one (ha, I almost called it a photo!) with the baby sticking his leg out, trying to avoid sitting in the highchair!! We are right there with you, lady.

[dana]

i LOVE this!

lilfamily13.blogspot.com

[AngieWestminister]

OMFG this is so funny and right on that I nearly peed my pants. Please don't ever stop doing these.

[Chris]

Fabulous. And did the lemonade by chance have strawberries in it? :) And notaparentonpurpose . . . I dont believe that . . . if you're here I'm sad for you because a kid with hot fries would be your dream.

My favourite part was what the men were doing while the shit was hitting the fan.

[Valerie]

Hilarious!! I didn't realize how fast I eat as a mom until I went out with a friend and she wasn't halfway done when I had finished everything on my plate!! Taste, what is that?! So so funny!!

[Shan]

Oh my god. I know this was supposed to be funny... and it was... but I have been there too often. Maybe when my kids are older I'll look back and laugh (that's what *I* keep telling myself).

Oh, and it wasn't my husband building a paper airplane for our older daughter (age 3), it was Gramma and Grampy teaching her how to blow the wrapper off straws (okay, that part was funny, but apparently not to an elderly couple nearby).

[Alex]

LOL! I love your art (the writing and the pictures) :)

We had a great time at the Texas Roadhouse (we went to one in WI) because it's "nice" enough for grown ups and works well for kids. It's not a really nice restaurant, it's a steak place/sports bar. BUT, they have the servers do line-dancing in the aisles and you're supposed to throw your peanut shells on the ground. That means my kid can be loud and throw stuff on the floor and nobody cares! Yeah!!! The decor includes stuffed armadillos, horse saddles, fake cacti, etc which can be amusing for a toddler or preschooler to look at while you wait for the food or as a mid-meal break.

[Pingugirl]

you always have a gem somewhere in there. or multiple ones. this time it's the picture of 'the baby zone' that I love. the long moving arms are great!

[Suzanne]

This is my life. Except double to 4 year old to be my 4 year old and 3 year old.

[Sara]

Amber you must've been stalking me, cos this is what happened last time we went out... ;)

Seriously, well done, you are so witty and I looove your Crappy Pictures :)

[Gillian]

i love this comic.
I dont mind seeing kids in restraunts, even before i was a mom. I mean yes its a pain, when the parents just ignore there screaming kids and let them throw food or misbehave. but i feel for those moms that try there hardest to get there kid to behave. restraunts are defiantely a pick your battles zone.
I say enjoy this time. try not to over stress, and make best of a night out.
Excellent job!

[LJP]

I love this :) We are lucky in our local branch of Pizza Express of all places. They are friendly, tolerant etc., and we always try and go when it opens so we are usually first in and have our starters when the next people arrive!

[Erin]

Hilarious! I'm sure most parents relate, the ones that don't drug their kids (at least, that's what I tell myself) ;) I love your writing style and the illustrations are genius! I look forward to reading more.

[StorkStories]

My favorite is the daggers at hubbys head!

[Becoming-mommy]

I only have one, so it *is* different for me. Easier. I am on the verge of two and this frightens me.
We go into a fancy restaurant. My son sits (sort of). People glare at us for bringing in a 4 year old (or less) to a multi-course wine tasting dinner at a gourmet restaurant. His seat is cheaper because it doesn't have wine, only milk and apple juice. and it's cheaper to bring him than get a sitter.
He eats well, only declaring (slightly too loud) how he likes this or that or doesn't want to eat this and why (usually not a rude thing...something along the lines of "I don't like leaves"). I have a small toy in my purse that he plays with on and off. In the coffee course before dessert we go outside for a minute to race up and down the sidewalk. Then back to eat something exotic like peach puff pastry with sabayon--which he gobbles.
I will miss this.
Even though I never get to eat anything at these (and so get quite drunk) because the 4 year old eats not only HIS food but mine too. Leaving me with just the wine.

[mummyoftwomunchkins]

Oh my gosh. Every single one of my experiences eating out has been covered by your lovely illustrations above. Yes to the baby with a mile long radius of reaching distance, the father ignoring the children to talk to his brothers and him receiving daggers to the back of his head, me having to deal with both kids at the same time, and scoff down whatever I ordered off the menu that I had 30 seconds to scan because the kids have gotten antsy within the 40 mins it takes for our food to come out! So hilarious (in hindsight of course), I love it.
The other thing i regularly experience is at all you can eat places - where my husband will go for broke within the first 20 minutes (while Im organsing and feeding the kids) and be "stuffed" by the time I'm starting my first plate... lol

[MaW]

I have absolutely no recollection of getting crayons or anything to play with at a restaurant when I was little.

It's entirely probable of course that my parents couldn't afford to go to restaurants when I was little, but I would also suspect that they didn't want to. They would sometimes go out, which was when Granddad and Grandma came to look after us, which I loved when I was small because Granddad would give me a bath and 'fly' me around wrapped in my towel afterwards.

The earliest visits to restaurants that I do remember involved having to sit there and behave myself, just like at home.

Being the kind of child I was, I also remember being horrified that my cousin would just get up and wander around and nobody said a word. Although Mum would watch disapprovingly!

There's an argument for taking kids to restaurants to help them learn the relevant social skills, but there seems to be little merit in that when they're young, especially if they've not got home table manners sorted out yet.

Going to fancy restaurants specifically is probably a bad idea for you as a parent. Why? Because you worry about it too much. Why do something that you know is just going to stress you out? You're not going to appreciate your meal, so you're wasting money too. A family that gets offended by such practical considerations deserves a reality check.

Hey, can you tell I'm a childless gay introvert?

[mishka]

all my family live overseas,babisitter not an option as kids just doesnt want to stay with anybody,so we do have 3 kid sunder 6 now but we never stop our life and stop going to restoraunts.its get challenging sometimes,but ithink all restoraunt owner have to understand food for kids have to be priorety and it would really avoid all noise if they bring fast not with our main meals but before. also we are blessedin New Zealand ppl more childrens friendly and alot of restoraunts have baskets with toys or even little playground.hey smarter even in eastern europe in better restoraunts they offer free babysitter:)for those who doesnt like kids noise you should beter go to bar not restoraunt to avoid us.pity on your boring quit life. and i want to say thank you who actually understand that its good to go out as a family and doesnt make a big deal if kids make somenoise. eventually they are used to be in such places and now my son who is 6 can order his meal, ask for extra sauce, take his siblings to toilet,ask if meal is ready all by himself.

[www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=682691937]

It's been awhile, but I could have written this back in the day. Sadly, even at ages 9 and 12, mine aren't all that more pleasant to go out to eat with.

[Aunt LoLo]

I get the strangest feeling that I wrote this. I MUST have written this. THIS. IS. MY. LIFE.

*sigh*

Next time will be different. Right???!

[Fiona]

That is way too familiar(especially with having 2 young boys) but I love to hear it in such a funny way! Love the pictures!

[Steve]

OMG. word for word. happens every time. thank you for making us feel less alone. ;)

[Jeni Armstrong]

As a parent who braved the world of dim sum with two kids last Sunday, I approve this message. :-)

I also blogged about it here (http://bit.ly/nNcdUA) so hopefully more wait staff who aren't yet "career servers" will know to avoid the zone!

[Michelle]

I SOOO know how you feel!! Going out with MY parents is nice but not his family. His brother and mom ignore the kids and engross DH in conversation. We have 3 girls and, along with the things pointed out in the post, I'm the only one "allowed" to take the big 2 to the potty because the mens rooms are "gross". >:-/

[Michelle]

LOVE this!! How do servers NOT know that if the only open space on a table is in front of a baby/child it doesn't mean that the food "goes there"?? UGH!!

[Emma]

Thanks for making me laugh out loud again! I blogged about your post quoting you and I pinched a crappy picture. I linked back so I hope it's ok.

[HeatherB]

The accuracy is uncanny. Were you hiding in the shadows during our recent attempt? Now we only go to places that have attached play centers and we sit closest to its door so that when our houligans (I mean children) bop another kid on the head we can jump in and stop further bloodshed. :)

[Nannette]

The thing is...when our kids were small...we didn't eat at fine restaurants. Not only could we not afford them, or a babysitter, we also knew better. It just doesn't work. It really lowered the stress level of raising two children. Local chinese, Burger King, and Pizza Hut. We didn't get to taste real food again until they grew up and left the house! Now the bottle of wine, the fine dining, all get savored the way it should be. LOL

[MinnesotaGal]

Peeing my pants laughing (that happens a lot these days since giving birth...) But this post was so, so true to life! Thanks for the laugh!

[Marianna Annadanna]

hahahahahahaha! Ooops. Sorry. Not funny. Frustrating. ...ha...haha...HAHAHHAhA!

[righthook38]

Great post! I love the illustrations. Keep up the good work.

I must say, I was fortunate enough to have pretty well behaved children when they were little, so I never had that problem. But I'm quite confident that I will eat my words soon, as my son is now a teen and my daughter is dangerously close to becoming one. If her attitude becomes anything like mine was at 15, I'm screwed!!

[karen somethingorother]

this made me soooo happy. I can't even describe. The part where the men are all eating the fries? I snorted aloud. Pure brilliance. Now I'm jealous, but still, so happy. Bravo!

[Liza]

I like to bite the ends off the fries and blow through them :)

[Eryn]

This is wonderful! My mother still talks about how she didn't eat a hamburger while it was still hot for like 47,000 years & I'm 30.

My father? Doesn't have a clue what she's referring to.

[Nadia]

Ha! Consider yourself lucky. I have to go through this with twin babies! LOL (but not really LOL)

[Anna]

ha ha ha! so true, my hubby still doesn't get why i dont like taking the kids with us out to eat,and our eldest son's almost 8!

[Heather B]

OMG its like you took the words right out of my head! And I only have one...

[Marlo]

Oh my gosh-I am crying with laughter! Did you follow me around with a camera last night? This was my dinner exactly. The only thing you missed was my 3 1/2 year old crapping his pants there!

[Diana]

I want to say my husband and I have laughed so hard, til we cried over many of these posts. The little details, like the sweating in anxiety... you captured it! And the pictures are perfect!

For all the people dragging down the comments... I don't get it. I get the feeling that advice is not being sought with these posts or feedback about raising children.

Thanks for making parenthood, esp. motherhood, a funny shared experience.

[mockingbirdgrrl@gmail.com]

Having just discovered you I am going through your archives with amazement - it's like you are inside my head - you describe scenarios like this one with such accuracy it's like you were sitting there next to me at my birthday dinner with the kids last week! Your strips are refreshingly honest and hilarious - love it.

[Elizabeth V.]

The only thing missing to make this exactly like my last meal out was having to double the tip due to the enormous amount of smashed food under the high chair! ;)

[Baldrz]

What crappy drawings? They must be hiding behind the photos of my family at dinner.

[daruni]

Just found this blog and reading it while my 6 months old sleeping, it is really great to read. Thanks for sharing and make me smile, big one.

[Christine]

Just read this...I can only add that our adventure involved taking home a full serving of Chicken Parm in the diaper bag...not in a takeout container...straight in the diaper bag. Ours was not an experienced server either and the table was so small my dear son could reach almost anywhere. (We did eat the leftovers)

[Brenda]

The other night my husband and 2 boys (3 and 4) are eating a Mexican restaurant. We are in Texas so eating outside on the patio is still possible even in the winter. We do this because if they get loud maybe no one will care. Hopefully. And we are eating. I'm enjoying my margarita, my 4 year old is coloring. My 3 year old is standing up in the booth. The back of the booth happens to be a planter (outside, remember?) and there is another booth on the other side. Well I'm sitting there clueless when a woman comes and tells me that my child just picked up gravel from the planter and threw it over.... and it landed in their food. O.M.G. let me die of embarrassment. We paid for their food.... and will likely do take out until we recover from the trauma. LOL!

[Linda]

I have to remember too, that the fancier the restaurant, the longer the (is it intentionally timed?) delay between "seated" and "served" - and there's only so many crackers in that package! HA!
I laughed out loud at the plane!! Totally fantastic! Great skills! HAHAHAHA!
Thank you!
:0)

[amelia]

Yep, and this is why we have learned to stick to family friendly restaurants that are well known for their kids' menu. The best was when we decided to go out with a few other families with 2 year olds....One big table, 8 adults, 5 hungry toddlers....whose idea was this anyway?

[Leanne]

Oh my gosh! I shoot daggers at the back of my husband's head all the time! You tell the best stories! I guess life is that much funnier in pictures! You seriously have a gift!

[kat]

As a mom of a 13 month old and a 3 year old, my solution is the wonderful world of smartphones. Plop my darling 3 year old in her chair with bread and a movie on my iphone and she's at least entertained for an hour. i call it my secret weapon after she's bored of "reading" the menu, asking for water in her wine glass etc. hey, i'm entitled to go out for dinner and she gets to watch whatever she wants on the phone (plus her games). and don't be bothered with others staring at you. always remind those evil eyes that unless they were spawned from pods, they were once pesky children too. bon appetit!