what it is like to (not) sleep at night - illustrated with crappy pictures™

INTRO: Here is installment #2 in my "real life parenting" series.  I draw crappy pictures because I don't have actual photos of these experiences.  Here goes...

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I've always been jealous of my husband's ability to fall asleep and stay asleep. It isn't his fault that he is a deep sleeper.  But I can't help it.  It totally pisses me off.  

We climb in bed at 9:00PM...

By 9:03 my husband is completely asleep.

I'm nursing my youngest and haven't even begun to think about sleeping yet.  I lay there motionless, pretending to be calm and relaxed so he'll fall asleep. Anyway, I'm cold since the blankets aren't on my top half.

So I pretend to be sleeping but really I'm going over the "to do" list or re-winding conversations from earlier.  Or having pretend conversations that might happen in the future.  On a good night the baby settles pretty fast.

Finally, around 10:00PM he is asleep.  Success!  He rolls over and my body is my own for the first time all day.  I can pull up the blankets a little.  I close my eyes for real.  Start to relax and let go...

Until I hear a noise.  

Becoming a mama has given me heightened spidey senses.  A tiny noise a mile away wakes me up like a mama bear, ready to protect her young.

My husband did not inherit this quality with parenthood.

Wide-eyed, I strain my ears to hear.  This particular noise is one I'm all too familiar with.

Enter 4.5 year old.  I thought he was asleep by now.  He has no concept of being quiet while people are sleeping, so he barges in loudly asking for random shit.  I have to jump out of bed and rush him out of the room so he doesn't wake the baby.  This attempt is successful about 50% of the time.  Lets assume it was successful tonight.

So now I'm in the hallway, hearing my 4.5 year old's demands and bargaining with him.  Water, bathroom or covers on or off, etc.  I have no real power here, I'll agree to anything to get him back in bed quietly.  When he has exhausted all the standard stuff, he finishes by needing to tell me something very important, like "I saw a rock today on the ground and it had dirt on it and I forgot to tell you! " and I steer him back to his room.

By the time I head back to my bed, the baby has turned into a starfish.  Legs and arms stretched out, taking up my whole side of the bed.

I slide next to and under him being careful not to wake him.  I can't move.  I'm scared to breathe.  This is a very delicate situation.  I have to move him.  I have to risk it.

The first attempt to move him just makes it worse.  He swings both arms and legs on top of me.  He is stirring now so I can't move a muscle.  I'm like a statue while I listen to his breathing to hear when he is in a deep sleep again to move him.   

Finally, it is midnight and I've successfully moved him.  I haven't heard my 4.5 year old in a while so he must be asleep too.  I fall asleep for the first time!

Until I'm woken by a foot in my eye.  I try to ignore it.  A foot in the eye is a sign that he is starting to move into a lighter sleep.  This means he'll wake up completly to nurse soon.  

So we're nursing again.  I'm half asleep but not mostly just feel like a zombie. My mind wanders to weird stuff.  I close my eyes and see flashes of people and places like a dream except I'm awake.   

Finally he settles again and rolls away.  It is 2:30AM and I can finally get some real sleep!  It is very unlikely that either kid is going to wake me up again. Sweet sleeping bliss.

Until the two cats come in at 5:00AM and announce that they are hungry.  They continue make this announcement every 15 minutes or so.  I ignore them.  But they know.  They know I'm their target. They know I'm awake no matter how hard I pretend.  They finally settle on my feet so that they will be alerted the moment I stir.  I get a few more minutes of sleep.     

Only to be woken at 7:00AM for a new day.  My 4.5 year old skips into our room and gleefully sings, "Morning!  It's morning time!"  Which wakes up the baby who replies with "Mownin!"  Then they start jumping on our bed.  

Even this doesn't wake up my husband.  He is sound asleep. Sometimes I look at his chest rising and falling with his breath to confirm that he is alive before unleashing the kids on him.  

"Go see Papa" I grumble. 

They have to poke his head and repeat "Papa!" over and over and he finally wakes up.

And what is the first thing out of his mouth?  The one and only thing I DON'T want him to say?

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

 

 
 
 

Comments

[Amanda]

I love love love this post. I loved it so much I felt compelled to share with my husband. Even he laughed! Thank you!

[wendy]

she must have put a camera in my bedroom! I'm comforted & sorry that others go through this. Love it, this is so good.

[Alana]

Hilarious because it's so true! How do they sleep through it all?

[chelsie]

This post was amazing because it is SO my house! 4.5 year old, 20 month old... no cats, but I'm 7 months pregnant... so there are extra mommy-potty breaks in the middle of the night. I LOVED the description of trying to crawl back in to bed with the baby and the statue-like poses a mama assumes while trying so hard not to wake the baby! Holding your breath, hanging half out of the bed, hoping that your weak ab muscles hang on long enough to haul your rear end in to bed... after the baby has settled, is quiet and back asleep. sigh. Loved it. Great post!

[Stephanie]

.....my hubby's comment... you get to nap!

yeah, right.

[Amber Dusick]

With just one baby this was true...but now that I have a 4.5 year old who no longer naps it no longer works that way. Sob.

[Amber Dusick]

Yep, I'd say pregnant potty breaks are even worse than cats since you have to physically get out of bed for those. I feel you.

[Nicole Klauzar]

OMG...Replace the cats with a dog, and add another kid, and this is my life! Thanks for the good laugh!!

[shawn]

girlfriend, you are hilarious! Save these, turn it into a little book and give them to your future daughter in-laws when they have kids.

[Nev]

omg this is SO us! We don't have cats and only one child but still..oh, and she sleeps between us but yes..exactly like it.. I laughed a lot. Thanks :D

Nev

[Kate]

I absolutely adore this post. And your crappy pictures. I laughed. Its nice to laugh. I am currently in the middle of despising my husbands ability to have man-flu and "sick-leave". Grr.

[elliemoon]

keep 'em coming! these are great and very very accurate. oh, and i'm lucky, my husband (also a sound sleeper) snores.....giving me a perfectly good excuse to kick him in the shins whenever i've been up with the kids all night (which, as you know, is every night!!)

[Lace]

Amazing! Absolutely love it. Very very well done!

[angie]

Hysterical! So true! My hubby was against going for a third because of this exact sleeping scene...My little guy finally stopped nursing at night when he was 3, now that he is 9 I miss it sometimes...how crazy is that!? Gotta love hormones!

[Yowie]

Oh Yes! Whilst this phase has thankfully passed in our house, I can remember thinking things like:

a) perhaps it would just be easier if I didn't bother trying to sleep at all, because I felt worse being woken up when I was dead tired than I did when I just stayed awake

b) after 15 minutes of failing to wake up the husband to deal with the crying kid, I finally realised it was actually easier and quicker and less exhausting and frustrating on my part to quickly deal with whatever it was and get back into bed than it was trying to wake up the husband to go do it, thus demonstrating that the universe is fundamentally an unfair place

c) whoever deemed 'sleep deprivation' didn't count as torture had *clearly* never been a new mother

e) sleep became something I obsessed about but couldn't have - I started seeing what referred to as 'sleep porn' everywhere. The cat would just brazenly sleep beside me, teasing me. There'd be bed ads on Tv, torturing me and my involuntary sleep celibacy. Everyone slept, but me, apparently.

f) How is that you can time off work because you have a cold or flu because you are deemed unfit to work but 'I had a shocker of a night - the baby kept me up and I didn't get *any* sleep' is not considered a valid excuse, despite being more unfit for work than any flu I've ever had

Oh yes, I went totally and utterly bonkers. And then I got put on antidepressants and I slept like my husband used to. And then *he* complained about sleep or the lack thereof. And I laughed at him, he finally understood the madness too!

[Susan]

So, so true. And I'm sure I'm not the only one who has considered stuffing a pillow over my husband's face in the morning when he complains of being tired, right? Right?

[rizzTheDad]

As the angonist Dad in this scenario, I will present my side of things, even though I agree with this story and now have even more heartfelt pity for my poor, nursing wife.

First, I get cat duty, so I must not be THAT deep a sleeper (wife will argue this).

Second, I guarantee that the baby is not the only starfish in the bed. I go to sleep, sleep amidst, and wake up in approximately 10-20% of the bed.

Third, I try try TRY my best never to say I'm tired. Because I know how tired my wife is, and how much waking and nursing she goes through.

Fourth, why is it, and I ask this all the time, but why is it that men can just 'turn off' their minds, relax, and cut out the anxiety for the 10 minutes it takes to fall asleep. Women have this 'think/worry/formulate solutions to every global problem thing whenever they lie down. Calm down. Relax. I know it's a useless piece of advice that falls on deaf ears, because I tell my wife to relax all the time.

So, after all my defense of my silly gender, please accept a few small pieces of advice for natural sleep-relaxation techniques:

1) Count things. Start with 'things you can see', which may not work depending on the dark. then count 'things you can hear'. Hum of the fridge, creak of the floor, bark of a dog, etc. Just count what your senses are noticing. I find this helps me relax, and makes your mind focus on more than just the worries.

2) Deep breaths. This does wonders for our toddler, too. If she seems to be waking up, I lie next to her and take long, deep breaths, as though I'm asleep. 9 times out of 10 she settles and breaths right along with me. It's also quite relaxing and slows your body down, too.

3) Read. My wife reads while she nurses, and usually keeps reading for a bit after the baby has latched off and/or passed out. We keep a light on until we're both ready to fall asleep, and this also helps relax the mind.

I hope you can catch up on rest. One of these years my wife will get a good night's sleep, too. And if your hubby won't get up to help with kids in the night... keep an icecube tray next to the bed for... 'incentive'.

[Sarah]

lol oh yes!! I can relate to this!!! only add in that my bed is a queen and that i have move my frequent feeder from side to side depending on which boob is up next...I can't nurse both boobs on one side.

[Nwetsch]

It never ceases to amaze me how man can just turn off their mind, ignore everything and sleep. Maybe that is why they are such good soldiers, they can just drop and sleep anywhere. Now I have three like that, husband and two boys, who all sleep like the dead and am up at the slightest cough, creak of shift of the cat!!

[KC]

I ready this last night before going to bed and laughed so hard I started crying. My husband was really intrigued as to why I was laughing and he read it and laughed as well. Of course my daughter woke me up three times last night, while my husband slept soundly through it. And like every morning I got up at 5 am with her. I'll be very interested so see how things change if at all when baby number two is born in August!

[chrystal]

my hubby peacefully snoring away now after my 14 month old decided to come and wake me for a bum change and feed has always said to me "but babe, I wake up when he does!!!" Funny that hunny, coz I'm awake at 10pm, 1am, 4am and up at 7am for the day. Yet When I ask him to just make breakfast (soak 2 pieces of weetbix and banana in milk...?!) he reckons get f***ed, thats your job. men just simply can NOT handle the demands of being a 'mum' for even an hour, unless they are shown *exactly* what to do!!!

[Amber Dusick]

Ha, that is a whole cartoon in itself. I've made fun of my husband enough for a while though, have to lay off him for the next couple...

[Amber Dusick]

Oh my goodness, sleep porn! Now THAT is hilarious!!! My cats do that to me too, I can't even look at them.

[Amber Dusick]

LOL, your advice is hilarious!

To others reading comments, while this commenter is not my husband, he might as well be as he'd advise (and has) the same things.

[Amber Dusick]

Yep, I'd die as a soldier. Of sleep deprivation.

[Shalimamma]

Absolutely hilarious and absolutely TRUE... Love it! I'll be checking your blog out now!!!! Keep up the good work! ;)

[sophia szeto]

ummm...
i like your illustrations. especially the facial expressions. i'm not kidding.

[Debbi]

You wouldn't die, you'd just go for several days without sleep and then crash out so hard when people try to wake you up to do something you react without waking up. This phase lasts about 10-12 hours, then repeat. :-) Still sucks, I was so jealous of the guys but by the end learned to crash out whenever I had the opportunity. Cat naps are better than nothing and as I prepare for my first baby I have a feeling that being a soldier is easier than being a mom.

[Free]

"And if your hubby won't get up to help with kids in the night... keep an icecube tray next to the bed for... 'incentive'."

Great advice from a husband there!
I can relate to this blog post but must say I have no qualms about waking the husband to do midnight parenting. Thankfully we only have a 4week old waking us (me)now, the 4 bigger kids sleep all night unless they are sick.

[Lisa]

you SO said it sister! My kids do sleep yoga too, and it's my husband, baby and myself in a double bed. I have started sticking my hand and arm inside my underwear so it won't hang off the side of the bed out of the covers! Our cat was doing the same thing, until I threw her against the wall... I know it is mean, but when you are a sleep zombie, you do ANYTHING for a few more minutes...we got a puppie, who I am crate training...no WAY the puppy is getting into the bed. But the crate training is going so good.... I went out and bought a tiny kitty crate, and now the cat goes into the crate every night, and I think she likes it! Do you look at alcohol and think...if I had just one glass, the baby might sleep through the whole night?? I do.

[Hone]

I'm a dad, and I was the zoned out sleeping Dad above when my son was young. I'd often wake, but not till after my wife had had to go and resolve our sons issue. One night however, my wife had had enough. She let me know in plain language that my failure to wake wasn't good enough. I said "I can't help it, I just don't hear it!".

The next night I awoke in response to my sons cry before she did, and have subsequently been fairly consistently able to respond to his and my daughters needs as required (I can't nurse so I don't respond to my daughter so much). I work all day, so does my wife, we both need sleep equally. So, as much as I am able, I share the nights as I share the days. I don't think it was ever a matter of not being able to hear the children, it was that I didn't respond to the noises I heard unconsciously.

Once I'd made the deliberate decision to respond to the sounds my children make in the night I was instantly and automatically able to do so. I'm still able to sleep as I used too, and still don't wake to creaking house noises.

[Lisa]

This is spot on and, therefore, totally hilarious!

[tigortweet@hotmail.com]

this is sooo hilarious, i almost cried from laughing so hard. we only have one 9 month old but have two cats so i can totally relate! thanks for the laugh, i needed it!

[Adrienne]

Oh. My. Goodness. My hubby and I just read this out loud together and cracked up!! This is hilariously true for us too, with only one thing different- while I'm adjusting the baby, it's our dog who decides to spread out starfish-style at the foot of the bed while hubby ZZZZZZZ's away all night. LOVED the illustrations-- probably more hilarious than actual photos! :)

[Kari]

Hysterical! I love it! And I also want to punch my husband when he comments on how tired he is. Try not sleeping more than a few hours at a time for TWO FRICKIN' YEARS, then talk to me about how tired you are, buddy! LOL

[DragonMama]

My Hubby has gotten better about it, the sounds don't wake him (I attribute that as much to his having grown up in NYC and me in suburbia as to gender tho, he's been trained all his life to sleep through stuff that has me up and reaching for the phone to call 911 before my eyes are fully open since he lived in a 2nd floor apartment with the parking lot for the corner bar behind it from the age of 6 until he went to college). I have no compuntions about kicking him to go tend the older 2 ( ages 7 and 4) in the middle of the night and with the uberteething the 12mo has been doing he's been getting up with the baby several nights per week (after a few good kicks to the shins and sometimes some vociferous swearing on my part). Our elder two did the starfish but perpendicular, feet in daddy's face and cranium a constant threat to my nasal integrity. THIS one, though, lately wants to nurse that way at 3am - on his stomach, torso at a 90 degree angle to mine with feet toward Daddy. Rotating him wakes him, not rotating makes PAIN (somehow he actually does latch on that way but not a good latch). Oh and he sleeps in the middle, I sleep diagonal so my legs keep him from scootching off the end of the bed, with my head in the €¥£&?!@ Arm's Reach cosleeper HE'S spent maybe a grand total of an hour unconscious in (kid 2 slept in it sometimes, more after he semi night weaned). Sleep porn. Oh yeah. Totally the right word for it.

[Wendy]

Thank you! This RULES!

[caitlin]

I am crying. This is too funny. Thank you for your beautiful illustrations :)

[Mishka B]

this is excellent. so true. thank goodness they all grow up eventually (except the husband of course).

[Hilary]

Hilarious!!! My husband and I are cracking up laughing right now ... because this happens in our bedroom every.single.night. :)

[Naomi]

so i'm reading this late at night because i finally got my toddler and infant to sleep and i still have things to do before i can try to climb back into bed and not wake the baby. thanks for a great dose of late night suppressed laughter! oh, and we ended up putting our cats outside!

[Rebecca Block]

I HATE the man phrase!!! "Gosh, I'm tired." I just look at him like, "You did NOT just say that!!!"

[Wendy Tsao]

loved this post. And love your wooden toys. I've added you to my blogroll!

[Chelle Bells2277]

I am laughing so hard at this right now!!! So much like my life. I cherish the two uninterrupted hours of sleep I MIGHT get any given night. Thanks for the wonderful pictures too!

[stacey]

Omg... so funny. It makes me feel better knowing that omnitel the only one show nights go like this... last night I found my 2 year old laying on the floor in the hallway between his room and ours.... really!!!! Kids are crazy. The best part of my mornings is unleashing my 2 year old onto my still peacefully sleeping hubby!!

[MamaRuns26]

You are officially my hero for laying this out so perfectly! Maybe my ding dong husband will finally understand when I say he has NO right to complain about being tired!

[joeysmom@yahoo.com]

I have pneumonia right now, and am pretty sick. My husband came home from work early to help out, so I was up at 7 and dealing with crazy 20 month old all morning. But we were napping when he got here, so the husband napped too. Then he watched the kid for 2 hours, laid down on the couch and announced, "I'm tired!" And fell asleep! Seriously, I'd kill him but I'm too weak to do it. No jury would convict me.

[sarah]

I'm a single mom. also have an annoying jack russel who has an overactive bladder and has to go out repeatedly. i know all too well about the holding still and thinking about random things. my baby crawls over to me while asleep or scoots to me and then I can't move the whole night except for to nurse. When I wake up my back is sooo sore!
The couple times that her dad slept over he slept through everything. even when I yelled at him to take dog out so i wouldn't have to go outside in my ghetto apts in the middle of the night.

[Samantha @ Mama Notes]

Great post. SO true! I am so jealous of my husband getting a solid 9 hour stretch of sleep right now!!

[Jen]

I laughed until I was sobbing. Yesterday morning, my husband awoke from eight hours of sleep and said, "ugh, I'm just exhausted." I nearly killed him with my bare hands, but seriously, we all know I didn't have the energy for such an act before my coffee. Besides, I had to get up immediately to fetch oaaattttttmmmmeeeeeaaall and milk!!!! Why do these small people not come with volume switches?! And I'd pay good money to upgrade to the kiddo trim package with the freaking mute switch!

[Anabellejane]

My husband never heard our toddler cry in the night. He would wake up in the morning and say "wow she slept through the night!" and I'd give him daggers and say "Actually she woke up twice".

UNTIL I ruptured my achilles tendon and couldn't get out of bed.

Like some magic baton was passed he was the one waking up and I was the one sleeping through all the fuss. I think that deep in their brains men know they aren't the primary one responsible for dealing with children in the night so their brains don't bother to wake them up when the children cry.

And I couldn't believe how quickly my senses turned off once I was assured that my husband was getting up and dealing with our child. By the third night I was rolling over and going back to sleep when he got out of bed, and by the fourth night I wasn't waking at all. And after that in the morning Id say "wow she slept through the night!" and he would be the one giving me The Look!

[Kgreen0527]

OH MY GOD! I about died just looking at the starfish kid picture...so funny!

[Lisa]

I love this! It is hilarious! It is very much like my nights.

[Sarah Richardson]

OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You couldn't have painted a more accurate picture of being a Mom if you were VanGogh...

I love this and am going to show it to everyone I know.

Hilarious. Sad. True. Kinda depressing. BUT- totally hilarious!!!

[Stacy]

I am laughing out loud...only because I can commiserate! Thanks for sharing!

[Amy Clarkson]

Thank you for this!!! Made my night!

[jadesteckly@gmail.com]

That was like, the BEST post I have ever read!!!

[Angela Dephouse]

Love the pics! They add so much comedy to a scenario that is only marginally laughable when you're in the middle of it. I am pregnant with my 6th child in 8 years, and (besides the cats) this has been my life every night for the last 8 years! You nailed it, Girl! Thanks for sharing!

[TheFeministBreeder]

So, these illustrations? This is the artistic version of what I was YELLING AT MY HUSBAND tonight. "Tired? YOU'RE TIRED? I WILL DIVORCE YOU IN YOUR SLEEP, ASSHOLE!"

[Heather]

LOL! So glad my 4 year old is in bed with us so I don't deal with the "other kid" waking up XD But foot in the eye? Check. Spidey senses? Check. Cat meowing (in mine's case, "LET ME IN!"). Check. Starfish? Check. "I'm so tired..." CHECK.

[Melinda]

You hit every nail on the head. And they wonder why we are grouchy and tired ;). I loved this! The motherly instinct to wake up at a pin drop is evil. I even wake up with sounds I hear in my half dream.

[ashgun@gmail.com]

I laughed so hard reading this.. Tht i almost woke my latched on baby who is half asleep!! Awesome post!!

[Amber]

Same here! I was reading this in bed after baby went to sleep...almost woke her up laughing, lol. :)

[Kimberly]

I learned (recently) to get my mind to shut off to just sit for half an hour or so and get out all the stuff on my mind. It helps a ton.

We're also "those people" who have a tv in our room...I put on something boring or non-actiony (something on WW2 or animals) and let it drown out my thoughts.

Also, this post is our house, minus the cats, but plus a dog, a 5 year old and a 9 month old. It's exhausting.

[Kristin]

Ha ha! Love it! I can so so relate. OMG, how can he just keep SLEEPING???? How???

I can also say, knocking on wood, that it does get better, much better, faster than you expect. There are nights with solid sleep in your future. I promise!

[Tara C]

so awesome- this is completely MY bed too (well except I now lock my poor cat in the basement at night so I dont loose it from complete lack of sleep). Great post :)

[Amber]

LOVED THIS!!! This is exactly how my night is, minus the cats, and husband. Husband sleeps in separate bedroom because he can't sleep with the baby "kicking him". Add a dog who periodically checks the house with a dangling license, and a 4yr old on my other side. I laughed hard enough to rouse the baby, dog, and 4yr old! Awesome post like so many have already said. BTW, the comments are also hilarious :)

[Amber Dusick]

LOL, our Arm's Reach co-sleeper became a very expensive pillow holder and cat crib. Finally gave up with baby #2.

[Amber Dusick]

LOL, that is the perfect threat. So funny.

[rachel]

Though I am not currently co-sleeping (just not as feasible with twins, though I am still nursing them at 17mo and hoping they sleep through the night soon!), I have in the past and can so relate! My husband loved it too! Here's to hoping you get some sleep soon!

[Kathy]

Hahaha, that is so funny. My hubby is the world's lightest sleeper so he had to sleep in another room while I coslept. And when #2 came along, I discovered swaddling and sent oldest dd to him if she woke up. Made such a big difference!

But the movements of the baby in bed, those are hilarious. I still cosleep with my three year old and she still does all of that! I am just used to it, I guess. Heehee

[Reynolda]

So so so so so so so SOOOOO funny!!!!! My life, only with one cat instead of two... This has to have been about the funniest thing I've ever read. And I LOVE your illustrations.

[Jennifer]

Ok, just a suggestion, but I think you've cornered a market- you should REALLY write up some more JUST like this- crappy pics too (it's part of the charm) and get them published. I'm a new mommy and I'd love the chance to feel connected, like I'm not the ONLY person going through this stuff, and then, to get to laugh at it too- genius!!!

[FRS]

Laughed as hard as I could without waking my 15 month old starfish. It's 11pm and i'm surfing the webz on my iPad and currently have a foot across my boob.

[Kinsey]

LOL "I'm so tired", yes honey, all that snoring I watched you do last night must have been EXHAUSTING. hahahahaha

[Mary]

I love it! I laughed at the "the baby has turned into a starfish!"

[Travis Macher]

Wow. Switch this around and you have me and my ex wife. I've never been able to sleep easy. I was ALWAYS jealous of her ability to fall asleep within a ten count of her head hitting the pillow.

Well, when our son was born, that didn't change. I was the one with the spidey senses lol. Every little noise snapped me to attention. Sometimes, when he screamed for a diaper change or for nursing, she slept right through it. And I got up to change him and if he was hungry, I had to wake her up enough to whip a boob out. Sometimes I don't think she even woke up xD

And SHE was the one always complaining of being tired when I was the one spending more time with him than she was, plus I worked my butt off in a factory lol.

But, I can't complain too much. Our son is 5 now and guess what he likes? He likes what daddy likes. Guess who he always wants to hang out with? Daddy. He acts like a demon child for mama, but guess who he listens to without question when only a stare and a pointing finger indicate he needs to straighten up? You guessed it: it's daddy.

Now we're divorced and all she ever does when I see him is complain as to how well behaved he is for me.

Sometimes, men have the capacity for such things. Not many of us do. I'll freely admit that. But we do sometimes. So believe me, to any baggy-eyed zombie moms, i know how ya feel xD (and yes I've been a stay-at-home dad before when my ex was working at one point. Been there, done that. I can relate to pretty much everything. Trust me. My ex-wife was the "typical male" of our relationship :P)

[Travis Macher]

And to everyone commenting on guys being able to "turn off a switch and fall asleep almost instantly"...I say I can only WISH. If it wasn't apparent enough in my last comment, I was the one laying awake, thinking, planning, formulating thoughts, ideas, thinking of all the things I have to do the next day after work...and my ex wife could lay down and be asleep before she could count down from ten and pretty much stayed comatose all night.

I envy that trait. I really do. Sometimes I forget what sleep feels like.

[Marianne]

I don't have kids myself, but I did suddenly develop "mom hearing" when watching my goddaughter a few days. Thankfully it went away again! I feel for all moms out there!

[CanCan]

This was my reality for YEARS! Exactly this, down to the star fish!!!! This is why I gave up on cosleeping. For real.

[Roxy]

I don't know which is funnier, the 'random shit' children need to tell you right now - my daughter is eight and I still get this, and it takes her painful minutes to formulate just the right sentence too - or the cats that come into the room purring, purring, purring, walking all over you and then sit on your legs and stare at you. And in the meantime my hubby is still asleep. And there's the moving the toddler from boob to boob mentioned in a post above. This starts at about 5am. When the toddler wants to get up hubby usually does the duty because I reckon I have already taken first shift.

[rebecca]

you are good!

[noelle]

so true! you should do another one about meal time! :)

[Erin]

How can he be tired??? He had more than 10 hours sleep. I don't think I had that much sleep in one night in ... I can't remember when! I am so in awe of 10 hours sleep ... how amazing would you feel the next day with 10 hours of unbroken sleep ... wow!

Love your post ... I had a few giggles through it :)

[Sarah Hammond]

Whilst my partner can sleep through a howling baby, the slightest whimper from our aged hound and he'd leap out of bed and let him out for a wee, so division of labour I suppose. It's sooooo nice to read everyone's stories and know it's not just me laying there at 3 am trying to detach 2 year old from boob and roll over to get some sleep. I think it's when she's got teething pain it feels like I'm being chewed on all night. Not something you can moan about to many people as there's the dark secret that you *shock horror* co-sleep and *disgust* that you "still" breastfeed. So it's nice to a group outpouring of frustration like this and a good laugh about it all.
Thank you!

[Pippa]

Love this - live it almost every night. Brilliant - are you on twitter, can't find you?

[Pippa]

ignore that, found you... :)

[Kathryn]

Oh shit. I'm new here. I think I just fell in love with you! I laughed so hard I cried. Literally! This was me with my son (minus the cats). Not so much with my daughter but she's only 5 weeks old so I fully expect to have that "don't breath you might wake her" feeling any day now.

[Amanda R]

Hahaha! I loved this! An all too familiar scene! ...except when I wake up I'm usually angry at my husband for sleeping all night and want to punch him when he says, "I'm so tired." LOL

[Lindy]

Absolutely spot on (totally how it works in this household) except ONE minor detail... the morning wink-wink, nudge-nudge, "how about it" from hubby! GRRRR!! Or does that only happen to me?

[Chrissy Foreman Cranitch]

I am absolutely CRYING with laughter!
That's the best and truest thing I've read in ages. Absolutely hilarious. Best medicine ever!
Thank You

[Nathalie Vaillancourt]

Obviously, just shared this with hubby, mother and all those collegues who keep how relaxing it must be to stay home with three kids.

[Kelly]

I think I've threatened that exact thing! :)

[Brandi]

I love this so much, lol. Sans 4.5 year old, this is my life and my deep sleeping husband.

[Rachel Schwenke]

This is 100% accurate!!!!

I am linking this to my husband so he can see what my every night is like.

Toddlers, babies, cats- sleep is pretty much non-existent for me.

[Heather]

OMG this is my life. Switch out an aging dog for the cats and add another 8year old boy and this is my life! Thank you for making me feel "normal" this morning! The Daddy has no clue!

[One Rich Mother]

LOL I am showing this to my husband when he gets home today. Hilarious. : )

[Lyndsay, Columbus Ohio]

This is by far the funniest thing I have seen yet, and it illustrates my night almost exactly. I will say my H doesn't sleep through all the night-time chaos, but it is amazing sometimes how he can sleep through most of it. Thanks for the laughs!!

[Becky]

This is bloody marvellous! I don't have the older child, but you've described my (non)sleeping arrangement perfectly!

I was feeling a bit crap today, but you've really make me chuckle. Thank you! :D

[Erika]

OK this is my life, how did you know? Just add 2 more kids... 7,5,3,1 and two cats. ON a good night, I get two hours in a row of sleep, on nights like last night? every hour being woken up I love this post. I'm sad for all of you, but glad I am not alone.
My dh often says he's tired. I really think I Might try the ice cube thing.