a REAL house tour with Amber of Crappy Pictures

I love design blogs. 

But whenever I see a house tour of someone with young children I smile, knowingly. Where is the cereal on the floor? Where is the toy clutter?

I'm an insider, you see. I have a house with young children. Their house doesn't really look like that. Ever.

Below, you can tour my home. The "design tour" version and the "real life with kids" version. Welcome!

Have you seen those hand painted or stenciled stairways on house tours? We have those. We have a unique wrought iron railing too.

Only this is what the staircase actually looks like:

Tan baby gate at the bottom. Green poultry netting tied to the wrought iron railing. Oh yes.

Custom design requires custom babyproofing. Remember that. It sucks.

Next up is the ubiquitous bookshelf. Every house tour has one. Sometimes they are built-ins. Sometimes not. But they always have a color coordinated display of books interspersed with art, frames, vintage globes and cool stuff like that.

We totally have one of those artsy bookshelves. Vintage globe and all. 

Only this is what it actually looks like:

The bookshelf display changed some when the little guy started getting mobile. And ripping pages. And throwing vintage things.

But all the cool stuff is still there.

Dining room next!

Why yes I have an antique china hutch that I painted turquoise and distressed. And of course I have a funky tablecloth and a teak wooden bowl in the center to showcase fresh fruit from the trees in my yard. And see the lovely wall color? It is Benjamin Moore in sweet honeydew melon. Don't you love the vintage maps of wine regions on the wall? Not to mention my vintage milk glass collection by Hazel Atlas.

Totally design blog worthy, yes?

Only this is what the dining room actually looks like:  

My kids added their own finish to the china hutch with permanent markers. The tablecloth had to be removed because they like to pull it off magician style. The walls are splattered with spaghetti sauce. And also squash. 

Ahem.

So why don't we move on and see the bedroom! 

Handmade, modern quilt on the bed. Handpainted headboard. Minimalist. Clean. Fresh. Don't you feel relaxed just looking at this room? 

Only this is what the bedroom actually looks like:

The bed was moved to make way for a diaper changing area so the headboard doesn't line up. Piles of diapers on the dresser and wipes on the floor. Bed rail. Um. 

Wait! Don't go! There is one more room to see!

My living room is also amazing. It is the most used room in the house so it is the most important.

I've saved the best for last.

See the mid-century modern style I've got going on? Oh yeah, baby. Those design blogs are knocking at my door. 

Only this is what it really looks like:

Most used room? Yeah, this doesn't even need an explanation. 

Sigh.

So next time you see a house tour where the owners have young children, just smile knowingly.

They are stepping on cereal just like the rest of us.  

Comments

[Angie]

LOL a thousand times over!!! The bookshelf is the same in our house as is everything else. I love looking at decorating magazines and this should be in one.

[melia]

agree! seriously you should submit this to style at home

[Michelle J]

Yes! We all know the house looks like that for all of five minutes when the kids were out in the yard while they took the pictures!

[Kristi]

Hysterical! I love it and I love your blog!!

[Beth]

yep...dead on.

[Tracey]

Oh i'm crying!!!! Love this !!

[Audrey Ma]

Bags of recycling in the corner of the dining room. Chunks of play-doh everywhere, looking a little like lumpy confetti. Sheets and quilt stripped off bed, draped over chairs from dining room to make fort. Fancy paper napkins cut into "snowflakes", scotch-taped to every window and sliding glass door. Tiny socks and underwear strewn everywhere.
Well, it's cozy.

[Erin]

this is so true...I love your blog. I have yet to read a post that doesn't scream "that's our house"! keep it up, you put a smile on my face with each blog.

[Johi]

Yep. My favorite is when the featured home has children and all of the toys in the pictures are either sock monkeys or wooden and painted with low-emission paint.
No Dora, no Cars, no Toy Story, no giant hunks of garish plastic with battery operated "awesome" siren noises.... yeah, I believe that reality. Sure.
Great post.

[Julie]

THANK YOU!!!! thank you thank you thank you!!!! You made me feel so much better! I have 5 kids (15, 6,5,2 and 10 mos) and every time my mother comes over she makes comments how my house looks. The day before my daughters birthday party last week, she texted me telling me that I better start cleaning so its done in time for the party the next day! I feel like I'm the only mom who can't keep the toys and mess up! You made me feel better!

[Crystal]

I love the headboard not lining up!

[Amanda E]

Love the bookcase! Sooo been there. For awhile we just wedged the books in sooo tight that DS couldn't get them off the shelf. That worked until he just started ripping off the binding, lol.

[Meghatron]

I feel so much better now.

[CrafterBerly]

Love it!

[Khadra]

this is awesome :)

[KC]

Fantastic!

[Erica]

So awesome. It gets better.

[Angela]

That is spot on!!! You just forgot to add the diaper that your child takes off and leaves in the middle of the living room floor...

I love your blog. I just finished cleaning my entire house on Sunday...and today you'd never notice. I even sent the kids away to Grandma's so I could get the walls clean (which I did accomplish) and this morning I come down the stairs and it looks like the linen closet, the laundry room, and the toy box all threw up during the night. LOL

[Mishka B]

i adore design blogs. we are in the middle of remodeling and decorating our house. i've decided not to buy/recover/reupholster anything until both kids are old enough to realize they have food on their faces and that walls are not canvas. i love your blog - it's such good comic relief!

[Sandi]

The bookshelf also made me LOL!!!

[Melissa]

OH, this is one of my favorite ones yet!! I heart your crappy pictures so much! :D

[Kristal]

Love this :) However, you forgot the wonderful letters that are pulled off the fridge and always manage to be underfoot when carrying something hot in the kitchen!

I love your blog and get the best laughs from it!

[Julie]

You know what I love about this blog, Amber? *Every* time I come hear I am laughing and saying to myself, EXACTLY!!

[Ingrid Griffin]

One of my co-workers has 3 young children, works full-time, and her husband's job requires that he travel about 75% of the time. But her house is spotless and her kids' rooms look like Pottery Barn. I'm convinced she is a witch.

[Lisa]

My sister came up to stay with me for a few days, and I took 2 days off work and sent the kids to daycare so I could clean before she got there.

[Heather]

I'm sitting her laughing my ass off nodding, just like I do with every single one of your posts. I'm a design blog quitter though I just can't even look at them anymore until my kids are a little bit older and less messy.

[jamye]

Like others, I would so send this to housekeeping magazine and others of the like, everyone with kids can totally relate! ha

[foxes_garden]

Oh no! Don't let her get to you! I've figured out that even if I DO spend all day cleaning, for every 10 minutes I spend cleaning the kids are making another 15 minutes-worth of mess behind my back.

[Shannon]

This was such a great idea for a post! I always go to my friends houses and feel so much better about mine (not that mine is spotless, far from it, it's just that theirs are usually worse!) Also, don't forget that the people featured in those design blogs and magazines usually have $$$$$ so they can afford a housekeeper. My aunt lives in Boca Raton and they can afford a housekeeper, her house is always spotless, I'm so jealous!

And that part about how custom stairs require custom babyproofing is totally true. We have this awesome house with a loft and open stairs and another set of stairs (my husband picked the house out before our son was walking, go figure) and yeah, it is all covered in random gates and we are still figuring out solutions for the loft. :(

Glad to hear your Marimekko survived!

Shannon
www.11thandshannon.com

[foxes_garden]

My godmother was one of those people. Her kids didn't speak to her for several years after moving out of the house.

[Darcy Jollotta]

Hehehe... My house to a "T." Only my living room has bottles everywhere. And the kitchen is mostly spotless... mostly.

[Mombazen]

Can you show a pic of the bathroom next?!! I have 5 children ;)
Luuuv it!! pimp(pee in my pants)

[foxes_garden]

This was one of the funniests posts yet.

Our bookcase also has all the interesting stuff moved to the top shelves. I compensate by putting the kids' books on the bottom shelves, and displays of toy dinosaurs on the intermediate shelves.

You didn't show how every surface in the house is covered with a stack of children's artwork and school papers. (Stick-figure drawings and face prints, for instance...) Maybe that's just my problem. (Sad inability to relegate it all to the trash...)

[Amber Dusick]

No, I couldn't admit to my bathroom even in just a drawing! Ha ha

[Carrie]

Thank you for this! Every time I look at a design magazine I get so inspired and then my son wakes up and I realize how silly I've been. It's great to know there are others out there with the exact same reaction.

[Elisabeth]

as always - you are dead on! the bookshelf is my favorite as I too had a beautiful display bookshelf before kids and now everything is stacked at the top and the other shelves are covered with kiddie toys. ahhhh parenthood...

[Dena]

Are you serious?!? Your house isn't picture perfect? Well, mine is. I mean....if you don't count the pack and play that I have blocking the hallway so my 1 year old can't go down and rip my curtains off my sidelight windows -again- or get to the bookshelf in the front room that already has had every shelf that he can reach unloaded onto the desk. Or maybe if you ignore the high chair trays that I currently have all over my kitchen - one with last nights dinner, and one with today's lunch still on it...or the rugs that I finally got to cleaning (on monday) hanging over said pack and play and the other draped over a kitchen chair....we won't talk about the *lawn chair* that I've set up as a baby gate (classy touch, I know!) around the base of the computer so he can't get into the wires, or the masking tape that keeps the fireplace shut as he's realized that if you push it, it opens...and there is all kinds of dirty nasty "fun" stuff in there to play with-- including the place in which you light it (it's gas).

Yeah...being a mommy is glamorous, isn't it? I love you, you are amazing and funny. Keep doing that. :o)

[Stephanie Brockus]

hahaha. I was laughing hard enough at the post, but then I read this comment. I know a few people like that too. It amazes me how they do it, because I could sit and relax and enjoy my day or follow behind my kids 24/7 and pick up everything they drop. Either way the house is still TRASHED. Witches, all of them.

[Misty]

I've been reading Kelle Hampton's Blog "Enjoying the Small Things" and was recently drooling over the room she just redecorated for her daughter. Maybe there are cheerios on the floor, but man, I couldn't even START to design a room like that! Soooo jealous! :o)

[Tarina]

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!! I keep sharing your posts with my friends, who Im sure by now read your blog anyway, but I cant help it!! You are comic GOLD, because every single thing you write is so relatable!
also, @ Ingrid Griffin -- lmao! I know right?? I have friends who have 1 or two kids who keep their houses immaculate, and still somehow manage time to do things like cook dinner and occasionally even watch a movie - where as I feel like I am swimming in one of those machines with the water current where you never actually GO anywhere? *Sigh* fml. I need to learn witchcraft too. (no offense to any actual Wiccans out there of course~!)

[Tarina]

aww I have the same problem! I have a full on plastic tote with nothing but my oldest's school work. I have managed to get it down to my favorites from each year, as far as like "Aww this is when Dameon learned to write his letters!", "This is dameons' first 100% on his addition! Awww!" -- and every single art project the boy has ever made. I just cant part with those. (which becomes difficult as he gets older and they get more intricate and 3-d) - My husband thinks I am crazy, but I just cant help it!

[Teresa]

This is so true and made me feel sooo much better!

@Dena - we have a piece of plywood over our fireplace b/c my twin boys wouldn't stay out of it. Lol

[Jenn @ Cooking Aweigh the Pounds]

You and your blog are going to take over the world! Loved every bit of this.

[Tarina]

^ this!!!!!! haha Couldnt have said it better myself, foxes! People need to realize that parents of multiple kids (and even parents of only 1!) just dont have the time to keep things up to someone else's standards. When people make remarks about "Man! The kids must have really shaken that box of cheerios! It looks like you missed a few!" I cheerily thank them for offering to come over and watch my children while I get out the vacuum attachments and shampooer to get things up to snuff. Or better yet, why dont I take my kids to the park and THEY can come do it for me? Id hate to disappoint them :) Sometimes they just dont get it.

[Myssie]

Oh yes! I also love the blogs with child fashion updates, complete with where the clothing was purchased! You know, very tidy looking toddlers with sparkly shoes and white (WHITE!!!)pants.
I have my own version on my Facebook page...it's all the shit my toddler puts on that is hysterical. Brother's underwear over two pairs of PJ's, cowboy hat, and goggles. Beautiful. Hmmm, i smell a blog being born.

[wendy]

brilliant. as always. we have a couple of shattered glass windows that have yet to be repaired. the boys busted through a screen window that they, and the dogs, now use as a doggy door. p.s. our house was featured on a design blog... not a crumb, or child, in sight when the photos were taken, but when they returned home...

[shawn]

hysterical

[Pamela]

SPOT on! This IS my house.

LOVE the boppy on the couch, and couch pillows ON THE FLOOR of course!

Love the nice stuff on the top shelves.

The bed rail! No tablecloth! Yes and YES!

SO glad it's not just my home.

When we first moved in I had a nice video tour and pictures of our home ready for the "housewarming and open house tour".... It will NEVER look like that again I fear :(

[mommymirandamusings@gmail.com]

This is almost like a support group for those of us who've grown into our maturity and over the little things. Realizing life is just life and only those that have had kids REALLY understand this. Glad I'm not alone. My son just turned five and I'm thinking of bringing back from storage my wrought iron scrolls with tiny glass votive holders that used to decorate our fireplace front.... eh, maybe when he goes off to college.

[Heather]

LOVE IT! The only thing different here is that my bed is actually taken apart. Headboard and foot board leaning on the wall (blocked by the dresser of course)and mattress on floor so that when ds(9mo) climbs out we won't need a trip to the ER! (yep bed rail is still in place because he is roller)

LOVE the green mesh on stair case!!! Love your posts! good luck with funniest mom blogger!

[Mendie]

I almost peed my pants with the second bookshelf picture...genius! Girl, you are hilarious and have such a great way of portraying what we're all going through!

[Melissa]

oh, the ever present cereal on the floor!!! I had three weekends of company in a row this month, and I gave up on cleaning for the last set besides putting the couch cushions back on the sofa and taking down the "kitty house" fort and I tried to find all the cereal on the floor, but of course, as soon as they walked in I saw a cheerio smack dab under the table. Greeted m-i-l with "Don't pull out the white gloves today, please. I just couldn't do it anymore!"

[Jen @ a little barefoot blog]

omg my house is JUST like that! (only maybe minus all the befores and actual nice things and *ahem* with more mystery stains on the area rugs.)

[Symbiote Host]

That cracks me up. I was just wandering through our house, figuring out new ways to declutter, as I have run out of places to stack things that are taller than the toddler. And there is a hierarchy to it, too. Really important things are stacked taller than a toddler on a chair. Chairs are frequently stacked on the table.

[Emily B]

Can I mail this to my MIL who walks into my house and takes my 3 year old around showing her the toys she hasn't picked up? My husband and I even picked up once and she found two books on the floor of my child's bedroom and gave her a lecture.

[Emily B]

Which after that, I decided to toss as many toys as I could around the house.

[K]

Weeeeell, my kids mostly have handmade soft toys and wooden things, with some matchbox cars and a few stray plastic animals. Nothing with batteries, no tv or movie themed toys.

Doesn't stop them scattering everything through the house, drawing on the walls, or smooshing plasticine into the carpet though. Don't get me started on the crusty bits of dried up cereal that have become part of the tabletop...

[Alison]

HOLY CRAP! My bookshelves used to look EXACTLY like that when DD was a toddler! Bottom two rows empty, top rows crowded with everything! Hahahahaha!

[valleygirl]

I swear I strive for my house to look at least picked up by the end of the day. And somewhere in the middle I might succeed. For 5 minutes. By the time my poor hubby comes home it looks no different than it did when he left in the morning...little does he know how hard I worked all day! Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it?

[I Thought I Knew Mama]

I think we live in the same house :-)

[Courtney G.]

My first born is about to be mobile. I am excited to see what I have to look forward to. ;) We actually considered one of those children's area rugs with the roadways on them to replace our fancy, overdesigned one in our living room. While we didn't take it that far, I have placed a foam mat down. At least it has colors complementary to the rest of the room. For now.

[Caroline @ The Feminist Housewife]

As a design blogger who really does try to keep it real....OMG this is sooooo my house. = )

[Myrnie]

You make me smile :)

[BloggerFather]

My living room was actually saved. We moved the two Pit Bulls from our bedroom to the living room when the first kid was born, so now the living room is basically the dogs' room. No toys. You come to the house and have no idea kids live there.

[Tonia]

have always rolled my eyes at the "all white" houses, the owner explains how "kid friendly" it is because you can just throw the cotton furniture cover off and throw them in the wash.........somehow I'm not a believer

[CanCan]

You are amazing!

[Dee]

Love the nursing pillow!! LOL

[Tara Fly]

Her children are probably in daycare or school all day.... and when they come home, they will be tired from the day's activities ....and less likely to destroy the house. ;)

Before I decided to become a SAHM after our 3rd, our house (with two young kids) looked rarely lived in!! :P

[Raisin'Cookies]

Stop spying on me.

[Christina]

Teeeheee, LOVE this! My Dh is always complaining about how cluttered our house is, like it's sooooo easy to keep the house clean with a four-year-old running around and undoing any of our futile efforts to tidy up. Reassurring to know that it's not just OUR house that looks like this ;)

[Tara Fly]

This is EXACTLY what runs through my head whenever I read a design blog! Our house is never spotless for longer than 15 minutes.

I actually wrote a similar blog post, called "An Artist's Anti-Home Tour" ~ http://taraflyart.com/2010/06/artist-anti-home-tour/

But obviously without the *awesome* drawings and humor that makes your blog so special!

The people who are featured in magazines must send their children to summer camp or boarding schools... or at least pack them off to Grandma's house for a few days before the photo-shoot. :P

[Cynthia]

Apparently, your kids don't have grandparents. Or maybe they just understand better than my folks.

[Cynthia]

So, so true.

[Cynthia]

YES! I was going to ask Amber to write about the way kids always manage to dive onto the couch or run into the wall with their yogurt/peanut butter/mud covered hands and face, a split second before you can grab them.

[julie]

love the tiny hand print on the sofa!! I am looking at the exact same one right now, almost in the same spot (even with a white fabric, you can see it must have been some kind of cheese remnant)... my kid seems to think the futon-couch is her personal, huge, handkerchief or all-purpose wipe, and she will leave snail-like traces of mucus...

[Reading (and chickens)]

Oh, you make me feel SO much better.

[Ash]

My parents just have a crazy, stick-in-the mud daughter who frequents the Goodwill trailer. :P

[Ash]

The tight book-wedging move! :D So glad I'm the only one who can't even yank my own books out of the case, LOL!

[Tessa]

OMGoodness....same thing here!!! I have to start cleaning a few days ahead of time to get it all gone.

[Tessa]

Yep...that's my life to a tee. I HATE pop over visitors who doesn't have kids because they get to see all that mess. UGH!

[Amanda E]

: )

[Amanda E]

I have a friend like that! Found out a year later she secretly had a housekeeper come out 2 -3 times a week. I had way too much fun "busting" her on that one, lol.

[Karen]

This is our house!!!

[Cynthia]

You don't believe it because you'd have to wash them Every. Stinkin'. Day. and have at least four back-up for when they kids mess them up five minutes before someone's about to show up- and do it again as soon as you change it.

[Alison@Mama Wants This]

Haha! LOVE THIS!

I have to say - your drawings are not crappy at all. :)

[Veronica]

LOL!!! Stepping on cereal. Oh I totally wear shoes in my house! I love this blog.

[Kelly]

Laughed so much at the bookshelf - beyond true! :D (As is the rest of it, of course...)

[Miss Edumacated]

Nope. House is worse than that. My current clean-up for today involves a child who only radomly uses the potty including leaving her "leavings" on the persian rug, an entire bag of dog biscuits has been upended, finding all of the seats for the couch, which seem to be a never ending prop for games, 3 days worth of food & crumbs, clothes strewn everywhere because the children refuse to keep clothes on (even though its dead winter here) the "Baby Gate" is missing the gate part, as my children ripped it full force from its hinges. And so much more that I could take up a day to write it, let alone clean it up.

Every single cabinet in our kitchen has a maglock on it, requiring a pencil circle on the outside of the door, so we know we're to put the magnet, both fridge and freezer have locks (including an extra broken one that they broke a couple of months ago). Despite all this, there is only one cabinet that is "safe" from them, and I myself have to climb on a chair and step on one of the pantry shelves to reach it. My children are monkeys and secretly have sticky spider hands to climb doors and undo top locks.

[Carol Gardens]

If you have to pick up or clean for anyone, they are not worth having over to your home(okay, that's my rule....neighbors do not even get over the threshhold, unless I know they do not 'measure ' people by the order in their home.) Try tellin' your mom,'Yep...we are making joyful memories , together as a family,but when the kids grow up and move out, you can come over and we can clean house just for the exercise!Doesn't that sound like fun?'

[Carol Gardens]

Your crappy pictures are toooooooo funny! I used to take the tp off the rolling spindle and leave it on the counter, so the youngest couldn't unroll the whole thing for fun....oddly, everyone that came by to visit, put the paper back onto the roller!!!!! I finally had to hide the darn thing so my guests couldn't 'fix' it when I wasn't looking!

[Carol Gardens]

True.....I wish I could see your crappy pictures in my morning newspaper...that is what I would look for, first!

[Carol Gardens]

Great idea! Don't give her any place to walk around the house and find things out of place!!! Tell her,'You just sit right there, I don't want you to hurt yourself!' I have an image of you in my head: throwing toys everywhere...and your 3-year-old -laughing!!!

[heather]

We have grandparents who understand about our preference for non-licenced, wooden, natural toys. And they MOSTLY comply. I wouldn't say that we have NO plastic junk, but we do have a very minimal amount.

And yes, we have sock monkeys.

Fortunately, the plastic junk usually doesn't get crazy emotional attachments so it's easy for the kids to part with when we do Value Village donation purges!

And since they don't watch much TV (we don't have cable), they only kind of know who those licensed characters are. DD has some Dora hand-me-down clothes and likes them, and knows her name, but has never seen the show and that's where the interest ends.

So it's not *entirely* impossible, when it's a priority for the family. :)

[Carol Gardens]

Ha Ha ha...I had one all-white room.....people would say, a white living room( yep, white upholstered furniture, walls, and drapes) and six kids? I would answer...'Oh, I am an optimist!' But truthfully...I kept a gate at the door...that was a place for me to go and breathe....a space where nothing in view needed for me to 'do' something..it was so calming! Later on, when anyone needed a calm space to read or do something, they would ask if they could use'my room.' and I shared it.

[Taryn (Lifes Juggling Act)]

Golden Amber! Love it! I'm slowly getting my head around the fact that my house is turning into that... though it was never as gorgeously stylish as yours! Very glad we start with babies and work our way up to that level of mayhem!!!

[Meg M.]

Oh, yeah. That is my bedroom exactly, right down to the mysterious wet spot on the bed. Pee? Puke? Boob leakage? Best not to investigate too closely. The sheets will get washed ... someday.

[Jenny]

Hilarious! We use oor pack-n-play to block the fireplace and all of the curtains are thrown up and over the rods so they can't be pulled down anymore! All of our nice things are off the lower shelves and I'm currently using tension curtain rods to thwart book-throwing tendencies... though he's getting strong enough and smart enough that he's about to render them useless and force me to remove the books entirely. I love sitting down to read new entries after the kiddo is in bed. It makes me feel normal - keep it up!

[Taryn (Lifes Juggling Act)]

I seriously need to deal with the bookshelves before the crawling starts!

[madmum2]

Laughing hysterically at the 'pencil circle on the outside of the door' to locate the magnetic child-lock spot - we have those too! We have our house for sale and home opens are the pits!Have to go round and rub off all the fingerprints, take the circles off the doors, unstick the dried weet-bix off the underside of the kitchen bench..

[Jocye]

Freaking hilarious. I love it! That is exactly what my house looks like. :) You go girl!