crappy laws of parenting, top 8 countdown...illustrated with crappy pictures™

I have two kids. This means that if one kid does x and the other one does y then I can conclude that 50% of all children do x and 50% of all children do y. This makes me a parenting expert.

Since I'm an expert, I've decided to start a new series called the Crappy Laws of Parenting based on my scientific research. Here is a countdown of the first eight laws. There are more. Tons more. But if I didn't stop at eight I'd never finish this post. 

Crappy Law of Parenting #8 (belated poop warnings)

When a toddler spontaneously says something like "No Poops!" while in the pool or bathtub, it is not an accurate status update.  Poop has already been produced. 

-----------------

Crappy Law of Parenting #7 (volume control)

When the phone rings, children will detect the level of importance and adjust their volume accordingly.

Telemarketer calls to get you to switch car insurance? Silence.

Husband calls to discuss dinner plans? Murmurs.

Friend calls to tell you a funny story? Slightly louder than inside voices. 

Family calls to tell you about a cousin's heart condition. Yelling. 

Work calls with concerns about your ability to work from home? Cacophonous shrieks. Deafening.

And so on.

-----------------

Crappy Law of Parenting #6 (naps are never safe)

If you've remembered to turn off your phone ringer during a nap, the doorbell will ring. Followed by loud knocking.  

If you go to the door, it will be someone trying to sell you something you don't want. If you pretend to not be home, you'll find out later it was a friend bringing you chocolate and wine.  She tried to call you, but your ringer was off.

Either way, it wakes up the baby.

 

-----------------

Crappy Law of Parenting #5 (inappropriate art surfaces)

Dry-erase markers will be used on everything except the dry-erase board.

-----------------

Crappy Law of Parenting #4 (the swearing parrot)

They are very precise about pinpointing the very best words to repeat over and over.

-----------------

Crappy Law of Parenting #3 (video cameras and genius defection)

The presence of a video camera immediately eradicates any talent they were just demonstrating.

-----------------

Crappy Law of Parenting #2 (quiet destruction)

The moment you think "they sure are quiet" it is already too late.

You run, but you can't run fast enough.

However!

Sometimes, sometimes what you find in the quiet will not be what you were expecting.

Which brings me to my all-time favorite law because it is totally awesome... 

Crappy Law of Parenting #1: They will NEVER stop surprising you. The moment you think you have them figured out...you don't.

 

----------

What are YOUR Crappy Laws of Parenting?  I'd love to hear them and possibly include them in the next round!

 

Comments

[SarahWesley]

I have one!!! Baby will poop right after a fresh diaper change.

[Stacy]

I have another. If you tell kid A to stop doing something, kid B will start doing it saying, "but you only told A to stop doing that. Not me."

[valleygirl]

The day you are on top of things and have everything planned out to keep the kids entertained and happy they fight, bicker, argue and are not happy with any of the 100 awesome things. The day you are wiped out beyond belief and want to do nothing but count down till nap time is the day they are full of boundless energy and BEGGING to do everything that was on the list from the previous day that they didn't want to do....and of course on this day, NO ONE NAPS.

[Alexis]

The older child will want nothing to do with you and your "planned special time" until the infant wakes up screaming and wanting a boob - then he is ALL ABOUT THE MOMMY!!!

The other one is the camera will not snap the picture until the smile is gone, the head turns or the toddler moves.

[Christina]

Your number one is also my favourite one! I'm ever grateful that there are others walking the very same road we are!

[Ashley Farrell]

Soooo true sarah. especially if you are using cloth, and you have only one diaper of the variety he can't remove that is currently clean, and its bedtime. my son saves these, i think, so i have to go crazy the whole time i'm waiting for him to fall asleep, afraid that he is removing his diaper. and afraid that he's going to poop again with it off. lol

[Kay Shaughnessy]

Another crappy law is that after dinner, the night you actually execute the perfect bed time routine...baths, brushing teeth, and reading stories...either the daddy bear will come home from his late night of work and sneak in just to say good night, which riles them all up, (leaving you to calm them down again because he has to eat his dinner), or one of the kids is suddenly STARVING, reminding the other one they are hungry as well. Press the rewind button and start over. :D

[Jesse]

OMG the phone call and how loud they become when the phone rings. This is MY LIFE I tell you!

[rachel]

No matter how regular their nap schedule USUALLY is, if you make plans for after nap time, they wont go to sleep on time.

[Amber Dusick]

Yep. In my world, he always poops when I have a load of diapers in the wash which means the stinky poopy one has to sit on the bathroom counter until the wetbag is done being washed.

[Misty]

#9 You will always have a well behaved child...when Mommy is not around! While you deal with putting on the shoes of a screaming child, the daycare person will inevitably say "I don't know what's wrong...she was great all day!"

[Diana]

Kids will ALWAYS get sick right before you and your husband's planned weekend trip for two causing you to have to cancel your plans.

[Amber Dusick]

Yes! The "but I'm hungry" never fails before bed.

[Linda]

My "crappy law" is on days when you don't have to be anywhere, the wake you up at 5 AM. When you have to be somewhere at 8:00, you can't pry them out of bed at 7.

[Amber Dusick]

Yes. This is one we complain about every weekend!

[Rachel G]

Law number nine: you spend a lot of time cooking a nutritious home meal, and they throw a fit because all they want is spaghettios or lunchables.

[Lindsay]

Crappy law diagram:

the longer the time between the cry and the head bump the louder the cry will be.

[Melanie Rozwood]

how about:

-the cleaner you need them to be, the messier they end up.

-the only toy kid 'a' wants is the one kid 'b' is holding, but only until kid 'b' puts it down.

-the same food always tastes better when it comes off someone else's plate.

I'm sure there are more.

[Sena Baker]

Mop solution, regardless of brand or scent, possesses a special gravitational pull which only attracts leaky sippy cups.

[Tessa]

I've got a good one my oldest uses ALL the time. It goes like this.
MOM to daughter: Don't ask me again!!!
Daughter to Son: whisper, whisper, whisper
Son to MOM: Momma can sister ........?

Which is exactly what I told her not to ask me again, UGH.

[Julie]

Children only have a finite amount of good behavior. If the children are especially good out in public, at a restaurant, etc, expect shrieking tantrums later.

[Kate (Bee In The Bonnet)]

Here's my rule: The toy that Child A has been ignoring for the past four days is suddenly the ONLY toy in existence that will make him happy once Child B has the audacity to so much as breathe on it (much less-GASP- actually holding or playing with that toy...).

The corollary to this rule is that whatever food child B has been gleefully tossing to the floor is the ONLY THING IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD WAAAAAAAAAH that Child B wants, once said food appears on Child A's tray. Everything tastes better off of your brother's tray...

[Julia]

My morning and the joys of illness and cosleeping..... Big kid wakes 3:50am coughing....toddler ok, not hanging from boob and asleep in my bed (husband in spare room doesn't hear a thing). Get up to tend to big kid. Cough medicine in, back to sleep. Toddler wakes realising I'm not there, quickly rush back to stop her completely waking..... But it was too soon! Big kid wasn't fully asleep.... Gets up. Comes into my room 'mummy?'.... Bam! Toddler now awake. They start playing and there starts the day. My point? The knock on effect! They never synchronize!

[AJ]

It's not just me and my kids??!! PraisetheLord.

[Anna]

While telling child A that there is no hitting, child B, who is still crying, will WHACK child A as hard as he can while saying, "NO HITTING!"

[jaclynheim@yahoo.com]

Mom always gets to eat last!! And, if your nursing, maybe not at all because by the time you get to the table after feeding baby the food is gone.

[Jeni Armstrong]

This is more of a "what parents will do" law, but ...

Even if it happened to you, and you hated it, and you swore you would never, ever, EVER, NEVER do it to your kids, you *will* spitwash them.

[Amanda]

OMG! Same thing here! He always has super poops the moment the wet bag hits the washing machine.

[Jenna]

My crappy law of parenting is new outfit = ridiculous stain that will NEVER come out, unless it's with scissors!

[Amber Dusick]

I did this last night! My poor kids. We were getting into the car to run to the market and I had nothing on me except my shirt and my spit. He just ate strawberries and it looked like blood on his chin, it had to be done. I never notice how dirty they are until we are going somewhere...

[Amber Dusick]

LOL, yes I've pretty much stopped buying clothes until they are 18. Thus, the same purple dress each day.

[Amber Dusick]

If I wasn't lazy I'd just get a back up wet bag since this happens WEEKLY. Weekly. The washing machine triggers poop or something. Really, it does.

[Ros]

The baby can't throw a ball. Or get a the toy shapes into the right slot. He can't put his cup down on the tray or work the 'interactive' bits of his book. But his aim throwing a spoonful of yoghurt is second to none.

This rule also works for grabbing. It takes ten attempts to get the dangling toy, but a dangling strand of hair is not only grabbed, but plaited in the most complicated knot around fingers in a nanosecond.

[Symbiote Host]

Eventually, favorite, must have colors are whatever color a sibling appears to have latched onto.

[Jennifer]

Thank god I am not alone in this! First diaper in the bag is always full of poop.

[Shayna Plankar]

So true -especially the phone chart.

Here's one for you... Because they haven't created a monitor with smellevision... You put the baby down for a nap. The baby cries. Did the baby poop? If you go in to check, the baby is happy and now you have to start all over. If you let them cry it out, they eventually fall asleep and wake up with dried poop all over their tush and terrible diaper rash because you are the meanest mommy ever.

Keep the funnies comming!

[Cori]

A shirt that you paid top dollar for because it was so cute and you just had to have this ONE nice article of clothing for him/her will attract 3 times as many stains as the crappy $2 play shirt you bought him/her at Target, which magically seems to stay stain free.

[Stacey]

My kids are about the same ages... daughter is 4.5 and son is 2 (and still nursing and co-sleeping...but I am ready to have my freedom back.)

If you plan to have a special evening in like watch a movie with your spouse, the kids will definitely go to bed REALLY late and wake multiple times.

At bedtime they will refuse to go to sleep and you will curse in your head and think bad thoughts but the minute they are asleep, you melt and think they are the sweetest things in the universe.

You plan a car trip so they fall asleep in the car and are in their pjs so they can go right to bed. They always wake up when you pull them out of the car and then stay up really late when you get home.

Naps at 4 pm or later will destroy bedtime. You will regret them.

If you breastfeed and send your child to daycare, be prepared to have the child scream the minute you walk in the door, wanting to breastfeed breastfeed BREASTFEED. You will not be able to make dinner or pass GO or collect $200.

Your kids know when you leave the bed. They have this 6th sense about it.

Kids like the crappiest, tackiest clothes in their closet. They will eventually have their own mind about what they wear and the outfit you thought would be adorable on them will never be worn.

Little girls want long hair but they don't want you to brush it.

Kids like to bug the pets but act like they've lost a limb when a pet even attempts to bug them. Pets put up with a lot of crap.

Never leave your child unattended in the bathroom. Ever.

A 2 year old will want to do everything by themselves. EVERYTHING. If you mistakenly open the door because you are all going out together, you will feel the wrath of the 2 year old. "I WANT TO DO IT. I WANT TO DO IT MYSELF."

Four year olds know everything. This is the point when they realize that you are a moron and their four whole years of experience make them smarter than you.

[Maria]

How about when you are at the grocery store with a cart full of stuff- in the very back of the store. And one of them has to go the bathroom. Right now. So, you have to leave your cart full of goodies next to the bathroom door, haul everyone in and wait for them to pee.

[Mary Richards]

Here's a law for you... Baby will go on THE longest nursing session ever if she senses that you have a full bladder.

[Kari L.]

Every SINGLE time your delicious HOT food arrives at the restaurant THEY need to go to the bathroom. Never fails. That's also the one time they take forever doing their business!!

[Jessica]

Yes! That is so true. Nasty, giant poop... when the wet bag is in the washing machine.

[Erin]

That is my favorite. Then I will forget its in there and either knock it down, in my rush to do something for my 3 year old, or be greeted hours later by it's stench.

[Lory Manrique-Hyland]

LAW:
The minute you need to leave the house, someone poops his pants.
EXAMPLE:
You're running late. Child 1 is strapped into their car seat, the keys are in your hand, your bag is on your shoulder, and child 2 poops his pants. Put handbag down, leave keys on banister, go clean and change child 2. Oh, and when you do get to the car, child 1 will be hungry and want something from the kitchen. It has been a while after all.You will be 10-15 minutes late leaving the house, no matter what. THat's another law. It may only apply to me.

[Dina]

Ditto.

[Dina]

Oh thank God. It's not just me.

[Tales-of-klaus]

hahah YES to all of this. I made a few graphs a couple of weeks ago:

The food to floor ratio

http://pics.livejournal.com/tales_of_klaus/pic/0007g892/s640x480

and the clothes to speed ratio

http://pics.livejournal.com/tales_of_klaus/pic/0007hx3c

[Dina]

I rationalize by telling myself less food means it will help me lose weight -- till I dive in the freezer for ice cream 30 min later.

[Dina]

I thought u meant new outfit for u. There is a direct correlation between how new/clean your outfit is, and the need for the toddler, who's eAting something especially messy today, to turn and use u as a napkin to wipe his face and hands against.

[Rhonda E]

OMG the phone one!! YES!!!!

And another... nap times shalt not be synchronized. Ever.

[Lisa Schornak]

My laws:
1. The 3 year old has to poop every time the baby is nursing.

2. They all have to poop every time we go to Target.

[sara]

What about the Law of nap equilibrium? It seems that there is a naptime sleep constant. If your normally bad napper actually sleeps, then that is the day your normally *good* napper decides NOT to sleep. They can't both sleep at the same time. It would violate the law of nap time equilibrium. Oh, and on the rare occasions you manage to beat the law of naptime equilibrium, that is the day the UPS guy brings a delivery and rings the doorbell, despite the "DON'T RING DOORBELL!!! BABY SLEEPING!!!" sign and wakes up one or both of them!

[heather]

As soon as you vacuum all of the cheerios off of the carpet the kids will put some fresh ones on the floor for you.

When you get ready to walk out the door someone will poop.

After a bath the kid will jump in the mud puddle when you take them outside.

When you place the books on the shelf the baby will pull them all down after you.

[www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=512228356]

That is 100% true. My daughter fell when we were in the bank recently and bonked her head. She sat there with her mouth wide open and eyes squeezed tightly shut for about 30 seconds before she let out the LOUDEST screaming/crying I'd ever heard in my life. For about 10 minutes.

[Mary]

All babies sleep angelically through the night when they're staying with someone else.

And they'll never nap when they're supposed to (especially if you're dying to lie down yourself), but the moment you really need to go somewhere important with them, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

[Anderaw]

Love them all! Love the BLOG. Huge fan.
My crappy laws:
A sick baby with a terrible sounding cough will not cough when at the doctor's office. All better! Until you leave to get in the car.

Kids do not want to play with the whatever x, y, z toy you made a special trip for (last one! cost $50!). They will play with iPhone, Remote Control, Dog water bowl, and outlets instead).

Only when you ran on a quick errand without the diaper bag, will your baby have the blow out of the century. Poop up the hairline.

The more expensive the shoes, the faster they will end up missing in the middle of the Target parking lot.

[Melissa]

I have one. They won't eat broccoli or any healthy food you eat them, but they will pick their nose and eat the boogers.

[Christian]

The urgency in which you need to get out the door is directly proportional to how slowly they are capable of putting on their shoes!

[Shannon]

Mine is another graph: The moment you are ready to walk out the door in a rush (arms full of stuff) is directly related to the exact moment one or more children need to pee/poop or more likely, already have.

[Alex]

Yes! When he shops with daddy all goes well and he is well behaved. When he goes with me we have at least one melt down. I've had to pull the cart from the wrong end through the aisles because if I pushed the handle he would ferociously attack my hands, arms and anything else in reach. My sister went on a shopping trip with my kid and me one day and my kid and my husband the next. She said he was a different person. Of course everyone in the store stares at you like you're an awful parent (or at least you think they do)

[Angela]

Crappy Law:
The older child has free reign to "borrow" the baby's toys/stuffed animals but god forbid you give the baby one of the older child's stuffed animals to keep her occupied for 5 mins, and the older child upon seeing this tells you "you always have to ask me first".

[Ashley]

Baby will wake from nap shortly after you sit on toilet, just long enough after that there's nothing you can do for about for a few minutes.

[Jen]

Get 2 wetbags. I don't know why I didn't think of it until my 2nd child.

[Lisa]

The desire for a toy or object increases according to the desire of others. It can sit in a box for a year, never played with.. But if you have a playdate and their friend wants it? It's suddenly their favorite one and only best toy ever. And the friend feels the Exact. Same. Way.

[Lindamarie]

I have to tell you how much I love this site! My oldest child turned 21 yesterday, and my youngest is 14, so now I can read these and laugh. When they did all these things, I could only cry.

[Shannon]

This is every single morning at my house as a working mom. This doubles if my boss wants an early meeting. You are not alone !

[Erin]

DITTO! It's dragging them out of bed for daycare every day of the week. Then the weekend hits and they are ready to go at 6am.

[Jess]

The one in 100 nights that they actually sleep through, you can't sleep yourself! Or the husband snores all night!

[EowynW]

EVERY TIME! I need a second wet bag!

[Amber Felix]

I have one! When you're trying to take the baby for a walk to make them FINALLY somehow go to sleep, but you're plagued with trash trucks, whistling morons, motorcycles,(illegal in my town)leaf blowers, lawn mowers, people who want to play peekaboo with your kid, and shrieking children and dogs, the former who are holding a glorious balloon your kid wants, but will not be able to have, thus bursting into flames of anger.

[Carmina]

I run around all day, then finally allow myself 5 minutes for a well-deserved cup of tea only to hear, "Need-do-a-wee-need-do-a-wee-need-do-a-wee!" from my just toilet training 2yo just as I sit. Ditto for sitting down to dinner. Sheesh!

[Heather]

ABSOLUTELY! Never fails...being a full time online student, ds ALWAYS fails his NORMAL bedtime on nights that I have a test due before midnight! leaving me staring at the minutes tick away, just knowing that last question will be submitted at 11:55pm :/ lol

[Heather]

Happened this morning! 9am and my normally awake at 630 lo was STILL snoozing (we had to be somewhere at 930, lol)

[foxes_garden]

Hahaha-- YES. All week long I'm hoping that I can drop them at preschool by 8:15 and get some extra errands done, and they'll sleep until 7:30 or 8 and we won't get to school until 9:15. On the weekend, they wake up at 5:30AM.

[Andrea @ The Train To Crazy]

Exactly

[Andrea @ The Train To Crazy]

They always repeat things you've said at the most inopportune moment...

Also, if you are in the public restroom and someone in there is going #2, they will always proclaim loudly how stinky it is. Then continue discussing the issue (and the person) until you drag them out hoping nobody saw your face. But maybe that's just me...

[Nikki]

Law #10...a child will only get sick when the pedi's office is closed, ie. weekend, holiday, pedi's vacation. And by the time you get them in the child is miraculously all better. Goodbye $25 co-pay.

[Vero]

the telephone one is fantastic. Boss phones up to do performance review and baby chooses this time to wake up and keep crying until you decide to postpone the call to another day when he sweetly goes right back to sleep again!!

[momofthreegingers]

i hate poop diapers.

[momofthreegingers]

i meant POOPY aghhhhh!

[Kate Seitz Baker]

This one is akin to the phone call proportional to children's volume....when trying to leave the house, the time you have to leave is proprotional to the speed with which you can get in the car: The less time you have, the slower they move.

Case in point: we told our girls, ages 5 & 3.5, that we were going camping at the end of August and they started packing bags & strapping themselves into the car, but when I've tried to get them out the door for any reason and say, "We have to leave NOW" (despite all my attempts to get them out the door for a hour previous to departure time), they have a gazillion things they need to do first (go potty, eat, need tissue...).

My friend has her own crappy rule similar to this: the half hour before departure and the half hour after arrival are the worst.

I couldn't stop laughing at your post & pictures. Priceless & good to know we are not alone. :-)

[Pamela]

Ditto!

[Pamela]

If you have to get up unusually early the next day (which probably inclueds a VERY important event that you MUST be energetic for) the kids will ALWAYS keep you up half of the night.

[Pamela]

Or more like every hour during the night...

[Jamie]

Here's another law of the parenting universe I learned the hard way: When traveling, the number of potty accidents your child has will always exceed the number of sets of extra clothes you have available for that child. For example, if you have 237 extra pairs of underwear in your magical Mary Poppins-esqe bag, your child will tinkle on himself 238 times.

[Sarah Vo]

They will always wake up earlier than you'd like, ALWAYS.

Animal food and water bowls are fun play things that are often filled with fun "art supplies."

Snacks are more fun to feed to the animals or to throw than actually eat.

[Queen of the Perfect Mommies]

This had me and my husband laughing out loud. You are hilarious and fantastic!

Mine is: the kids will be hungry the minute you get to the zoo/museum/birthday party, no matter how much you tried to force feed them before you left the house.

We try and try to get our kids to eat before we go somewhere, but they won't. And quite literally, as soon as we step foot inside the place we've traveled to, even if the travel time was less than five minutes, we hear, "I'm hungry."

The first time I went on a trip to the zoo with my son's pre-K class, I realized I wasn't alone. As soon as we stepped off the bus, there was not one, but 24 kids exclaiming, "I'm hungry! When's lunch?" Suddenly I felt a great deal more warmth towards my son's teachers.

[Preeti]

great read!!

[Cheryl M.]

When you have a gassy, overtired, screaming infant, the older kid will invariably be ALL OVER YOU and yelling to get your attention!

[Victoria]

Not only plans after nap time, plans for during nap time! "Oh, call me around 2, he should be napping!" Nope!

Either that, or the opposite, I missed my last mom's group before going back to work full time because his usual 1 hour nap turned into a 3 HOUR nap! Normally, I'd give anything for a 3 hour nap, that day was just rotten luck.

[pemora]

perfect!

[Bobbie Hardy]

When baking it is important to put away all ingredients and nail all chairs to the ceiling. Because if you don't, they will use said chair to obtain said baking powder, and pour some mysterious beverage in it, just for you!

Happened today!

[Brandy]

The parenting law that I was just reminded of this long weekend is this..... When driving with kids, it doesn't matter how long the trip is (for us it is usually around 5 hours) or how much I want the kids to have a sleep, they won't fall asleep until we are 5 minutes from home. Leaving me to try and carry them into the house without waking them, or risk having cranky kids for the rest of the day!

[Alison]

Their favourite meal one day will be the most repulsive thing they have ever seen the next day.

When one child is acting up, the others will follow; when one child is being good, the others will convince them to stop.

And I have three kids, making me 50% more of an expert. :D

[nopinkhere]

I have a 2nd wet bag. The first one in is still a poopy one though.

[nopinkhere]

Oh so true!

[Jak]

My mother's rule was always the longer between the cry and the injury the worse it was.

[Sarah W.]

No matter how many times you pick up toys during the day there will ALWAYS be toys on the floor!

[Stephj]

My rule is that your baby/toddler will always find the MOST dangerous thing in the room to play with, as soon as you turn your back.
"Why would I want to play with this safe, soft block, when I can gnaw on this plug?"

[Murasaki]

We have hours of video of DS sitting there staring at the camera and DH trying to get him to sing the song, do the thing, say the words, be cute - or whatever again!!!!

Also theres the law of nappy liners. Even if your child is a one poo a day kid, they will produce a second, third, fourth or fifth if you fail to put a liner in the nappy.

The law of nappy bag - if you take the nappy bag on the school run every day for a year baby will never need a change, but you know what happens if you dont take it!!!!

I find my interest in non child appropriate tv shows also seems to have a direct link to unwillingness to go to bed. Oh my GODDESS Callie just went through the windscreen and I cant find the remote to turn the tv off Greys Anatomy because children are still lurking long after second glass of water, application of cream to itchy legs, last warning, last kiss, just amembered something! YKWIM.