comparing kids' behavior (is bad)

It is wrong to compare your kids and stuff. You know what I mean. Saying "little Johnny is a being good but little Timmy is being bad today" type comparing. I never make this mistake. In fact, I have never even thought this.

But that is because my kids' names aren't Johnny and Timmy.

Just yesterday, this happened:

I inform them that we are having pizza. In case you didn't know and are one of those pizza-disliking aliens who are not to be trusted, this is good news. 

Crappy Baby responds to the news:

With hands clasped together with joy he professes his love for pizza. I see golden beams of joy radiating from his face. I feel appreciated. I feel like a good mom for delivering this happiness. 

Then Crappy Boy responds to the news:

With high-pitched whines that won't stop. He loves pizza. What the hell is his problem? He continues to carry on like I told him that we are having Crappy Cat for dinner. Actually, I think he would have reacted less to news of eating our cat. Mental note: Next time, skip pizza. Serve cat. (You guys know I'm just messing with the cat people when I write stuff like this, right? It would be funny to get emails accusing me of eating our cats. They probably taste like rabbit. I assure you they are both alive and well though.)

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, comparing the kids. So obviously in the example above Crappy Baby wins. Much cooler to kick back and have a slice of pizza with, you know?

So dinner happens. Then it is bedtime. Which doesn't actually mean they go to bed. This means I force them to do several things they don't want to do to get ready for bed. 

I tell them the first of many steps. 

Crappy Boy reacts to this news:

And brushes his teeth. 

But then Crappy Baby reacts to this news:

And continues to react similarly to every. single. step. of getting ready for bed. Throwing toothbrushes, screaming. Running from me when I try to change his diaper. Saying he wants a book and then crying that he doesn't want that book and then crying that he does indeed want that book. All that toddler stuff.  

So this time, Crappy Boy wins for not being insane.  

Which makes me realize something. They are rarely both cool to hang out with at the same time. 

So I have a theory. 

I think they tag team this shit. I really do. 

That way, someone always wins. And it is never me. 

 

 

 

 

Comments

[Kennedy]

Word sister. Word.

[kim]

i laugh but only because this is my life!~!

[Janine]

So SO TRUE!

[Candi Nordick]

LMBO!!! That is one of the funniest and truest ones you have posed in a long time!!!

[Valerie Hunter]

It's so incredibly true. I have a Crappy Baby and a Crappy Boy here as well. (18 months and 5)

[Julie]

Amen.

[Stephanie]

Totally happens in my house with my little girls!

[Marsupial Mama]

OMG, I swear it's true!! **lol**

[Kara]

So SO true! I've got three 'crappy' boys and between the two older boys, I swear, when one is being naughty, the other one turns into a butt-kissing monster... just to annoy me. lol

(BTW: just discovered your blog and love it!)

[Audreyanna]

Omg, that's amazing!!!! I think my 24 month old and 14 month old are executing the same scheme!!

[Layci]

LOL...OMG! So true! Very true! My twins have been doing this crap to me all along and I just NOW realized it. LOL!

[Lisa B.]

I am like Valerie and you - I have a 5yr old crappy boy and a 20 mo old crappy toddler and there is always the see-saw of awesomeness throughout the day. the little one naps, so two hours every day he totally wins ;) LOVE your blog, thanks for making me laugh, cringe and empathize, sometimes all at once!! :)

[suburbancorrespondent whose kids are never all happy with the same meal at the same time]

Totally. I swear, my kids used to take turns keeping us up at night.

But I think the cat would taste like chicken.

[Rebecca Fulcher]

Haha that's hilarious! My mom would always tell us as kids that my younger brothers never got along unless they were plotting against her! I don't have the luxury of kids taking turns though. I think once one starts acting up the other two have to join right in on the fun!

[Moo]

I literally laughed so hard I cried!

[Staci]

I fully beleive siblings mentally tag team on listening. It never fails that when my 1 year old is great and listening my 4 year old is cranky and destroying things and not listening...and of course then they switch...and it's always something ridiculous! Love that the experience is shared :)

[Janelle Lannan]

THIS is the story of my nephews. To . a . T. I think it's more boys than girls, but I'm certain I'm only being naive here.

[Jessica]

HaHaHaHaH!!!! Great one!!!

[Paula]

I don't know if tag team is worse or if the old parrot trick is worse. We're in the parrot stage right now so my pizza announcement would go like this:
kid 1 "I love pizza! You're the best mom ever!!!"
kid 2 "I hate pizza; it's the end of the world as we know it!"
kid 1 "Pizza = DEATH!!! Mommy hates us!"
Yeah, that's my life right now.

[Michelle]

That's it! That's totally it!

By the way, I guess your drawings must still be crappy - my almost 6 year old said "they're not very good drawings are they Mummy?". I said well they are kind of cute. "Yes Mummy, I guess they're cute but they're still not very good are they" LOL.

[Oliviah]

Hilarious! I could see my toddler in Crappy Baby's insane description! Thanks for making me laugh today :)

[Jessica]

I have two girls, 4 and almost 2, and this happens OFTEN!!! Then the next day they are a dream (well, it's all relative.) I DO prefer this situation to when the gang up on me together,tho!

[Trischa]

I love this post. My boys are 4 and 6 and this has pretty much been my life for the past.... four years. Even when the youngest was a baby, they would take turns with who was going to keep me up all night. I don't know why our kids hate us.

[Crystal]

What! How dare you speak of eating the cat!

....Don't you know dogs are much tastier??

(Hee hee)

[Amy G]

I'm fairly certain that my children do this for night-wakings and terrorizing purposes.
And then the following morning they compare notes and laugh over sippy cups of juice.

[Sophie C]

Did I write this?

[Iindsey]

Just one time it would be nice if they were both happy at once but Noooo. Got another one on the way now so I've no hope!

[Jennifer]

This explains so much.

[Nikki]

So true - my boys are rarely ever "good" at the same time.... and PS - I hate cats, fry that shit up! lol

[Mama4our]

That really is true! I noticed it when I married my husband, my beloved stepchildren would take turns! Now that I've got 2 little ones as well, it's the same deal. It's a blessing really, the times when they both are acting up is maddening!

[rachel]

it is so SO true!

[Kay]

And this would be why I suspect my husband of having drug-induced delusions when he spouts off the wonders of wanting two children really close in age. I am in no way prepared to handle one crazy toddler, let alone a tag team match with two. (Our first is almost 9 months, the hubs is just flat out crazy to want another like OMG RIGHT NAO!)

[Jolleen]

AMEN SISTA! PREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH IT LOUD!

[Joyce]

I have four kids who rotate the driving mommy crazy duties. *sigh*

[Laura]

Lol! Ohhh my gosh, I *swear* my kids tagteam each other.
The oldest is all of 3.5 and my middle child is nearly 2 [the third, a newborn, thankfully hasn't been included in their game yet- though her schedule of waking up *right* when they fall asleep is incredible!]... they have worked out the most incredible scheme to get into trouble- one will do something outrageously naughty, to capture our attention, allowing the other to get away with something quietly... as soon as the uproar has calmed, the initial disturber will sneak off- we follow them to find that they knew *exactly* what their sibling was doing, and snuck off to get in on the fun! AACK!

I swear they also tagteam on the various household goings like your post. Food is fine around here, but the teeth brushing, helping put shoes on, cleaning up, ay yi yi. You never know which will pitch a fit!

Thank goodness for coffee [says the lactating mom who is avoiding it. My sanity is diminishing!], chocolate [yay for breastfeeding!], and the hope that one day we'll look back and laugh. You know, once our sanity really has left us ;)

[Lauren]

exactly

[lizzie]

Haha you are a legend!!! :)

[Kiza]

Amen. My kids are in on this, too. In fact, I actually CAUGHT them at in the car yesterday. Not even kidding.

[Cassie]

I have an almost 4 year old crappy boy and an almost 3 year old crappy Great Dane. I equate it to having two children very close in age, except one talks and complains while the other whines, sheds and knocks shit off the kitchen counters with his tail. "Mom! Crappy Dog is trying to smell me!" And he runs away which makes Crappy Dog go into a frenzy of running and chasing which will eventually lead to him knocking my Crappy boy over where blood curdling screams will replace joyful laughter and I go from "Seriously, stop it." To "I TOLD YOU TO KNOCK IT OFF!" 0 to bitch in 3.2 seconds.

[karen :)]

Times like this I am thankful for just the one crappy child :) However I swear he has the ratio of shite behaviour to cuteness worked out so that his cuteness only just tips the scales in his favour such that we keep him :)

[Fenny]

I have never given birth, but I can honestly say that working with apprentices is just like parenting. And I have 60 of the little cherubs conspiring to drive me nuts.

[Heather]

Frequently only one is cool, Rarely are they both cool at the same time and far too often they are both uncool at the same time. THose are the worst times.

[Jen]

Even more fun when they're in elementary school. ::headdesk::

[Shannon]

Crap. Boy #2 is due to join forces with Boy #1 in about 8 weeks. Why did I not consider this before deciding to add to the family?! Hahaha. Great post!

[Jenny L]

omg, Mom NEVER gets to win. Ever. Unless we're playing "whose turn is it to pick up the puzzle pieces the toddler threw all over the living room." Then it's Mommy all the way.

[Nicole]

Do you have a hidden camera at my house or something?!?! hahaha!!

[gretasuneson@gmail.com]

I'm in this phase too with my 2.5 year old and almost 5 year old girls. Hilarious! I get so angry when my older daughter "taints" the younger one by declaring that something is "yucky" - then I have no change with my 2 year old!

[Michelle C]

You all realize this doesn't change when they become teenagers and young adults, right? :) Mine are 18 and 20 (oh my god) and still pull stunts like this more often than not. They're wonderful young adults, truly. When they're alone.

[cindy]

"I think they tag team this shit. I really do.

That way, someone always wins. And it is never me. "

OMIGOD! I'm laughing so hard I have tears and uncontrollable laughter. My son knows that when I read your blog I laugh. I was halfway through and he says "laugh mommmy!" I said "Oh I will. When I get to the punchline". AND boy did I ever!!! God you rock.

[Jen]

We call it halo-polishing around here. The bigger the hole dug by one kid, the faster the other kid turns into the golden child. Every time.

[Beth]

LOL!!! I love how your crappy hubby will help with your tag team! Mine won't, he just laughs as the crappy kids go nuts up my walls after he gives them candy at 9:00 at night... o.O

[Rachelle]

Just another reason to only have one child, lol. Crappy Baby sounds like my almost 18-month-old at bedtime.

[Nae]

It's true, I've often accused my two of sitting down in the morning and working out who's going to take what time frame and what ones they are going to share.

[Kate (Bee In The Bonnet)]

YES. I have 19-month-old twins, and they are rarely both cool at the same time, though I think they know my sanity hangs on a fine enough thread that they had better not both be jerks at the same time, or Papa might come home to an explode-headed mama...

[Meribah]

But at least they're not both bad at the same time! :)

[kim]

So I'm guessing this what Bill Cosby means (in the video Bill Cosby Himself)when he says that we parents with only one child don't really count as parents. This and the whole "stop touching me!" thing... lol :)

[Misty]

LMAO!!! I seriously spewed hot cocoa and got is-mom-losing-it? stares from all three of my daughters at the end of the story! You are SO RIGHT!!! Hahahahaha!! Why are kids such little jerks sometimes?!

[Misty]

Oh yes. They do that, too!! They'll even get in a one-up contest to see who can make the vein in mom's neck pop finally!!

[makenzie]

i have this: "Should we go for pizza for dinner or go get a hot dog for dinner?" (because I'm like super health conscious and all). My little girl looks at her older brother and waits for him to respond. "Pizza!" He says. "No, hot dog!" she yells. Always making that she chooses whatever he doesn't want.

[Lindsay]

So good to know the insanity in my house is "normal" (whatever that is...). At least I know I'm not the only one! Lol

[JesG]

You're hilarious

[hmb331]

too funny. I have thought this very thought many times. I have also decided, when they're annoying one another, they're main goal is to see me flip out... it really has nothing to do with not liking their sibling. It's all conspiracy to see me go nuts. I've never been much of a conspiracy theorist, but I'm pretty sure I'm spot on with this one, and so are you!lol

[Teresa - Embracing the Spectrum]

Oh yeah. I'm quite certain this will happen to me when the baby gets older!

[Amy]

Yep, I definitely have a favorite kid - but it changes from hour to hour!

[hmb331]

I did that with my parents. I didn't eat ketchup until I was in middle school, simply because my brother liked it. Since he liked ketchup I liked mustard. He liked ham, so I liked turkey, so on and so on. I always listened for what he wanted so I could pick the opposite. I wanted to be my own person :)

[Mary K]

LOL, you got that right! The same tag team thing happened during nap time today after a night of baby waking up every hour to 2 hours. I was nearly in tears during naptime and too tired to fall asleep once they BOTH napped. Thank YOU! Made my day!

[Sarah]

Yup... I have a 2 year old and a 6 month old. Between them both I'm pretty sure I'll never get any sleep, or food- yet mysteriously I put on weight. Never. Winning. Lucky they're so cute.

and Cats are too stringy... dogs on the other hand... and roast cockatiel? mmmm. (kidding people)

[Jo]

I've got three. On occasional golden moments two will behave while one tanties all the way to the bank, but more often it just means the game gets a bit more complex... My daughter will orchestrate it.
Golden moment: All three are quietly playing. My daughter notes this anti-disturbance and rectifies...
Step one: "Mum, I'm hungry" (fetch snacks, all the same, must be all the same or they'll cancel each other out and I'll be left with half-eaten bits of everything).
Step two: pick up the baby and balance him against my leg. He begins to complain, which means I can't put him down for about half an hour. Sometimes 1 and 2 are inverted. "He wanted you" (he didn't, he was happily playing with a toy until you disturbed him).
Step three: snatch whatever my middle child has in his hand at this moment, usually the rest of the snack.
Result: Both of my sons are now clingy and throwing separate tantrums while my daughter is smiling beatifically at me and saying "I listen mum, I'm a good girl!" Either that or she's upped the level from moderate to extreme and joined in.
*Sigh* Gotta love it...?

[Peta]

I love how we are all calling our children (and dogs) crappy now :)

[Peta]

I'm with you Karen, despite only one crappy boy, I have well and truly enough shite to deal with!

[Heather]

Oooh! I hate puzzle clean-up. I usually banish the puzzles to the top of the closet after I have told him over and over to pick up...but I end up doing it an hour later anyway. Grr. Glad to know I'm not alone.

[Emily]

My 4 year old LOVES pizza. But won't eat it. She hates eating it. She just loves the concept. The 18 month old, he loves it and eats all of it. She's just bizarre and loves to have pizza, but just not eat it.

[jenthehoover]

i love that others are living my life ;)

[Francesca]

Yeah I get this one too. Bad moods are catching.

[shanny]

i freakin LOVE the expression on crappy baby's face in the last frame. pure gold.

[Megan]

Mine are 4.5 and 2 and you can rest assured it is the same situation over here.

I've done worse though. I have, on occasion, overheard myself saying, "Wow, A is really doing such a great job on her dinner tonight - Look K! See how much A is eating?"

Brutal!

(but effective :p)

[Karen Loethen]

Word.

[Jo]

LMAO abstract pizza dinner. Love it!

[Nikki O]

so true. SO TRUE.

my first daughter ... she's going to be one hell of an adult. and she is going to be one pain to raise until that point. strong-willed and spirited don't even begin to cover her. love her to bits, of course. she's just a thrill-ride of a child to raise.

my second daughter ... sweetness and light and happy 99% of the time. tantrums last a fraction of the time her big sister's did at the same age. at 9 months, she is already more patient and understanding than her sister is at 3.5 years.

but it NEVER FAILS that when the big girl is having an uncharacteristically mellow day/hour/minute, baby girl suddenly decides to be the unhappiest baby on the planet. never. fails.

[Janette]

Yes! What is up with Mamma never winning! I say we all go on strike and go to our local Starbucks to eat yummy calories and just relax. Oh wait, the family will just leave the dishes and laundry for me when I come to my senses and return, thus more work for me and thus... they win again!!! I can't win. Plus as annoying as they can be I would miss my little cuties ....nevermind. ;-)

[Michelle]

OMG, this is my all-day-every-day life. Sing it!

[Myssie]

Tag Team? Hell Yes they do! I swear sometimes everyone is is a good mood, having fun and one of them (my money is on the 6yo telling the 2yo what to do) veers off into crazy fit land just to throw a wrench in my works.
I picture them post fit, in the other room high fiving, "did you see the new shade of purple her face turned!? You even did the flopping on the floor thing, that was great work!"

[MomOfTwo]

So true! I have a 4 and 2 year old....same thing happens at our house. Nice to read about someone else going through the same thing!

[NancyJ]

Equally susceptible to conniving children: newly empty-nesting parents. Them: "You call Mom, I'll call Dad. The message: we need a car at college. Are we good?" Me: "HONEY! YOU CALLED US!! Wemissyouwemissyouwemissyou! But REALLY! We'reokay!We'reokay!We'reokay! We'refineWe'refineWe'refine!! Hahaha! We LOVE our empty giant empty empty house!! What? A car?? You need a car at college... really?! Well, I don't know, but, but... you called me! You still love me!! You love me! Of course... we'll get a car over there soon. Next week. Tomorrow! We're driving over tomorrow! Loveyouloveyouloveyoulovemelovemelove!!"

[Deetz]

it's always good to know that my children (5 and 2) aren't the only ones plotting to make me crazy.

[Lacy]

Unrelated, but must comment... Layci? I've never seen it that way before. I bet no one EVER spells that right. :(

[The Lupines]

oh kim, you are so right....one is a cake walk compared to two little ones. i have a 10-yr-old going on 25 and a 12-mo-old, so it's like having one plus a helper. i watch friends w/ two or three and think they deserve a cash prize. And a spa week.

[Sara]

LMAO. This is my life to a tee right now too! I feel your pain :)

[Mamasewsnow.blogspot.com]

Fo Sho. I think my husband is in on it too. When it is going to good with the kids, he gives me a hard time.

It is me against them.

[Stephanie K.]

I think you've just figured out their secret. I have three kids. Imagine the scheduling they have to do!!

[Nichole]

Hahaha, too funny. Only because it's so true.

[Joy]

Amen. All I can say is amen.
Oh, and we had pizza tonight too.

[Meghan]

Oh boy, this sounds like my future with an almost two year old and a new baby. They're already plotting against me and neither one can talk, lol!

[Vicki]

How i loved reading this....i have five at the moment, and the "tag team" theory is absolutely real. It's frustrating here because they're usually split 2-3 about things -- so the losing team that doesn't want pizza can theoretically keep the tantrum going perpetually if they take turns. Now, if i am willing to stay unemotional about it, and get creative, i can break the cycle...*if* :) .... When it's a mom's job to stay one step ahead, she either gets very tired, or goes crazy, or both in one great firey explosion.

[Jessica]

Nail on the head.

[Hope Vincent]

And sometimes; those scales teeter just a bit...even with just the one.

[Jessica]

I was thinking the same thing 2-3 because of my kids. It's never 5 "Sure mom! I love you!" Usually 4 mumblers and 1 kid who sees the opportunity to get on my good side. That's the kid I love the most that day. Teehee J/K

[Amy]

I'm down with your theory. And, with two boys of similar ages, am sympathizing right now... at bedtime. *sigh*

[Amy]

I always thought cat tasted like shredded pork (without the bbq sauce).

[teachermommy3x]

Simply awesome Myssie! Loved the original post but your comment was also a winner. I think my kids plot to see who can get my screaming to be heard by the other side of the neighborhood.