the uppers & downers of parenting (or, coffee & wine)

I am a drug addict. I use uppers and downers.

But only to make me a better parent. 

I never drank coffee before I had kids. At least not in a "Fresh Pots!" sort of way. We didn't even own a coffee maker. 

Back in those days, I looked down upon anyone who needed coffee in the morning. The more they required it the less I thought of them. They were weak. Slaves to the bean. Didn't they know it is a drug they are addicted to? Just stop drinking that shit and then you won't need it. 

Then I had two kids. 

Kids wake-up with energy. Kids wake-up with loudness.

Kids wake-up too fucking early. 

No I will not play with you. Go away. I need coffee. 

After coffee:

I don't need it. But they need me to have it. 

I'll stop drinking it just as soon as they stop waking me up before the rooster crows.

(We don't actually have a rooster. Did you think we did when I wrote that? That would be cool. Maybe I should take this out and let you think we have a rooster.) 

So that is my little helper pick-me-upper in the morning. 

 And then there is the evening.

Sometimes, after an especially rough day, I'm stressed out at night. 

Everything sets me on edge. I'm a bundle of nervous thoughts.

Go to bed. I can't handle one more minute of this parenting thing. I have to do this again tomorrow! How can I handle another day like this one? Nobody is listening to me! 

But then my husband hands me a glass of wine.

After wine:

Again, I don't need it. But they need me to have it.

So that is my occasional little calm-me-downer in the evening.

Coffee & wine. My unsung parenting tools.

And yours? 

 

---------------------

Blah blah blah, yes alcoholism sucks, blah blah blah, notice I said occasional, blah blah blah, did you know that judgmental people are ugly, blah blah blah. 

Eating entire pints of ice cream is another favorite unsung parenting tool of mine. As is sneaking chocolate. And snorting huge piles of cocaine. 

Just kidding about that last one. 

Comments

[Amanda]

lol, I love you. You tell it like it is and it's awesome.

[Bria]

Amber, you are too funny! I use the same drugs occasionally too. Coffee/Tea more than wine (because I can't drink wine all day...or at work...or even everyday).

[Keri]

Um - yes, yes YESSSSS!

[Kim]

OMG...hubby hands me wine too in the evening...and he has learned to make coffee if I am not up (even though he doesn't drink it) because he GETS to go to work...

[Cora]

Hahaha!!! Love the blah blah blah's at the very end! :) Thanks for always reminding me that parenting is crazy for others not just me. =)

[Tiffany]

BAHAHAHHAHA, i love how in the first pic, i can actually see bags under your eyes :) Very cute, and oh so true!

[Amy from Detroit]

LOL Im with you and all the other moms - I need my coffee to get my day started!! And I usually finish off the night with some ice cream :) Good to know all the other moms go thru the same emotions. You capture it very well in your blog! xox

[Cassie]

That is SO me! I easily drink a pot a day! The wine I keep to glass every week (although it is thoroughly enjoyed). My four loves wear my little butt out!

[Jennifer Roberts]

I'm another one who started drinking coffee for the first time after I became a mom. Somehow I made it through architecture school and its nonstop all-nighters on willpower and orange juice alone, but motherhood is another thing entirely. Problem is, I'm a lightweight. One cup of coffee wakes me up, for sure, but it makes me so hyper that I can't focus my energy. And if I dare have any, say, after noon, I'm up all night.

[Jenn]

loved the cocaine comment and the rooster!

[Elizabeth Turner]

Love this! Pretty sure I need another cup of coffee this morning :)

[michelle]

this one made me powerlaugh!

[Julie]

Hilarious! We all need it! And yes, we all hopefully dont do it everyday. I actually laugh at myself because I buy a bottle of red wine hoping to have a glass twice a week but I forget that I have a two year old that doesn't allow me to drink liquids unless he can have some. For some reason he has to take my drink every night. People tell me to drink it after they go to bed, truth is, I have to lay down with him to get him to go to bed. We all know that after an hour of him poking me in the eye asking if I am still up...I am not going to be ready for wine! I joke with my husband when he wants to go out to eat(which never happens) I say "yeah we can go out to eat if I can drink first! Cuz then I just dont care, LOL" he says I'm terrible. LOL

[Megan]

i'm on cup of coffee number two as i read this :) nectar of the gods.

[Mummyhaggis]

Let's add a little sugar too- dessert, chocolate, cake and the like. But it's definitely a runner up.

[Kathi Cashion]

Coffee with Kahlua in it works well too, as more of an all day thing than separated by day and night standards.

[Jill]

Aww man, you hit the nail right on the head with this one. I didn't start drinking coffee until I had kids, either. I don't do ANYTHING for them until that coffee is consumed, and they know it. I haven't had the wine though - I've been either nursing and/or pregnant for about 4 years now but I can't WAIT until I get to that point ;)

[nina]

you are me to a T. if you ever come to Israel we have to get together, for coffee or wine, or to let our kids have a field day at the park.

[Heather]

I didn't start drinking coffee until after kid number 2 b/c kid number 1 liked to keep my hours and would snuggle in bed until 9 or 10! I miss those days. Why oh why must our public school start at 7:45. That's the one and only thing that make me want to homeschool.

My husband is over seas right now and I have a hard time sleeping when he's gone. So it's extra coffee in the morning Tea in the afternoon. Beer or wine with supper to start unwinding and with hubby (and since he's the normal morning shift person) gone, 1 benadryl after the kids are in bed so I can fight my inner night owl and fall asleep at a decent hour.

[heathermama]

ugh, i don't like coffee or wine, BUT i think i might need to do something soon. lol

[Jenn]

Love the small print.

[godisasandwich]

I TOTALLY thought you had a rooster too when I read that.

(did you just think I had one, when I said "too"? Hehe)

[Angie]

@Julie - My brother and SIL handled the "he wants everything I drink" thing by telling him (at 2) there are some things mommies and daddies drink that kids can not drink until they are mommies and daddies. He understood it well enough to not sip their drink. And then when he was old enough to understand he didn't care to try it. On their anniversary, when he was 10, he took them breakfast in bed -- a 12 oz glass of milk for his pregnant mom, and a 12 oz glass of WINE for his dad! "Good morning!" (My brother took a sip so as to not make him feel bad, and then poured the rest back in the bottle when he wasn't looking. LOL)

[Misty]

Pretty sure you and I would be besties. LMAO, You are freaking hilarious. And SO RIGHT. I don't have a downer figured out yet (or at least not while they're awake, but muscle relaxers which I need for fibromyalgia, are bomb) as I choose to not drink in support of family members struggling with alcoholism. An occasional glass of wine would be perfect though. You're my favorite.

[Francesca DeCaire]

I look forward to your posts every day :)

[Kimberly]

Hi. My name is Kim. I'm an addict too.

[Angie]

I just LOL'd.

[Katie]

So I'm not a crazy hot mess of emotions... other mom's are like this?! My worst moments are after the coffee where's off and my oldest two of four come to join the circus after school and they need help with their homework.. lately, with my 3rd grader, I say mommy's to dumb to get this wait till dad gets home and ask him.... droooool then wine... ahhhh ;-)

[Alana]

Coffee and wine, yes, and for all the same reasons. And I love you. Thanks for making me laugh.

[Rebecca]

"Kids wake-up too fucking early." Yes, yes they do!! I have to have earl grey tea every morning. I can't have the wine right now (preggo) but looking forward to adding it back in! Chocolate and ice cream have to suffice in the meantime.

[Christy]

I was just thinking of adjusting my "meds" during the day. JUST got "the screamer" and "the brat" down for a nap. Can't decide if I need chocolate to jazz up, or a drink to calm down. Probably too early for a drink, maybe a nap would do it instead. Saving my second cup of coffee for later in the afternoon so I can teach my class tonight. LOVE this post!!

[Katie]

*wears off* grrr. allergy meds and coffee conteract each other so I'm more dumb than normal

[Zak]

Team Coffee and Wine.

Believe that. Oh, and also anxiety meds.

[Bess]

I wash an Adderall down with my morning coffee. And today that wasn't even enough to make me alert enough for two little 2 year old roosters, squawking, "MAMA! I WANT CEWEAL!" at 5 a.m. (oh-- and I am already looking forward to my five pm glass of whatever). Judgmental people are boring and annoying!

[KC]

Awesome! So someone else needs wine at night too. Amber you're fantastic!

[Nikita]

I actually quit drinking tea a couple years before I got pregnant but once I had my munchkin I was hooked all over again.

I also require sugar to get me through and I need a drink once in a while but it puts me to sleep even while the munchkin is all hopped up on toddlerhood.

[Phoenix Rising]

I'm adding the occasional NyQuil to the list. Mine; not the children's. Although once I gave my daughter Dimetap when she was like, 3 just to get her to sleep for longer than an hour at a time. Which she had been doing for three straight years. She's 16 now so I can tell you this. The statute of limitations has run out. (PS: they totally took Dimetap off the shelves by the time kids #2 and #3 made their appearance so those children are safe in my care. Except when I haven't had my coffee yet. Or my wine.)

[Jen E @ mommablogsalot]

I think I need to start drinking more. :OP

[Aleshia]

So, what about us Mormons... ya know, the ones who don't drink coffee or wine... or swear? Well let me tell you what you do in the case that you're a Mormon: you eat a LOT of Nutella (there's something euphoric about it) and did you know that Swiss Miss has a 'Pick-me-up Breakfast Blend' which, thankfully, has 'as much caffeine as a cup of coffee'... OH and it is an 'excellent source of Calcium' too. Score!! Even Mormons need their drugs ;P

[C&KsMama]

This is great! I'm beginning that stage of drinking coffee daily, after totally thinking people were dumb for needing every single morning.. haha!

[Allie]

The cocaine line had me snorting up my coffee :) Thanks for that!

[AnnaPK]

After noon I switch from coffee to coke...coca-cola that is. Ha!

[Jennifer]

I loved you before this post, but I adore you now. Wish you were my neighbor so I could hang with you every evening

[Kathy]

Hilarious! Just yesterday I found myself at Target with a screaming toddler and whiny baby because I could not go one more day with a broken coffee maker.

[Susan]

I love your "disclaimer" more than your post, which was aesomely dead on. Long live coffee and wine!!!

[lauriethomas]

i love this post as much as i love my 2.5 cups of coffee and 1.5 glasses of red wine a day. note: that is almost as much as i love my 3 kids.

[Liz]

I am allergic to caffeine (gasp!!), so no coffee for me :( Thankfully NOT allergic to alcohol! But as I'm pregnant right now, no wine for me :(

This is a sad comment day. LOL

[Sue O]

coffe and wine everyday.......it's a delicate balance. but then I was worried about have a glass (or two) of wine every night - so I am substituting wine with herbal tea a few nights a week....not quite the same - but easier on the liver.
Just the other morning my almost 3yr old was bouncing off the wall at 6:30am saying "want to play Buzz and Woody" (he loves toy story) I said "not right now, what mommy REALLY wants it is to finish her (now cold) coffee (which was in the other room). Next thing I know, he hands me my coffee cup.....so sweet....so of course I played Buzz and Woody and sipped my cold coffee.

[Amber Dusick]

Ah, I was wondering how on earth abstaining mamas handle parenting without my vices. Nutella! lol And I'm going to look into that Swiss Miss thing, thanks.

[Lee]

Coffee in the morning, and a bong hit at night! (after they've gone to bed)

[Kara]

I have two year old twin boys and I have just started to depend on caffine in the morning. I use it in the form of tea. Even when I was in the Army I only resorted to coffee once or twice. Kids are much more exhausting than the Army!

[Anna]

LOL @Aleshia. I was just about to post about us Mormon moms who drink neither coffee or wine. Spoonfuls of fudge frosting for breakfast, a pint of ice cream and a spoon to wind down in the evenings, and eating chocolates out of the "good stash" in the pantry with the door shut so you don't have to share (since the kids don't appreciate the good stuff, they are happy with the cheap waxy stuff) at regular intervals during the day. We all do what we must to survive.

[farmer.eileen@gmail.com]

Love this, I do it too. You hit the nail on the head so many times. You must watch Kelly Ripa's SNL commercial for Tressant Supreme.

[Amber Dusick]

LOL

[Misty (@chickadeedoula)]

Who are these horrible people who read your blog and post hateful comments and send emails? I wish we could reveal who they are, and go on a witch hunt :) I never, ever drank wine daily until I had a child. Now one glass per night is the norm!

[mamakate]

thank you for the validation. i don't feel so guilty now!!

[Amber Dusick]

Are you asking because of my disclaimers? LOL, I don't get as many since I started using those. They totally work!

[Liz]

I'm just coffee and anxiety meds.

[JustMe.]

I recently ran to the store with my kids to pick up just an ingredient or two for a recipe. And of course I added a bottle of inexpensive wine. When I realized I left my wallet at home, I grabbed the $20 I keep in the car, and let the cashier know that if it was just over $20, let me know and I'd have to take something out (but i'd rather not if I don't have to..). When it was just over, she was like, "What did you want to take out? Not the wine. You need that with kids." I laughed so hard. I didn't realize quite how necessary (or common) my glass was.

[jes]

Agreed- thanks for not taking life too seriously!

[Meagan]

My two year old saw the second crappy picture above, and after identifying the cup of coffee, automatically deemed you to be me, and kids as himself & big brother.
Pretty sure we're in the same boat.

[KiwiBunnz]

I was stupid and vowed to give up alcohol while I was breastfeeding. Who knew he would last 2 years and still be going strong? He doesn't really want to, he just doesn't want me to have any fun. As a friend pointed out however, I would probably do him a favour if I started drinking a little bit and cut down on the coffee and diet coke... but I had one teeny, tiny beer at a Boxing Day BBQ (we are clever and have Christmas in summer) and have felt guilty and like a failure ever since!

[mamakate]

oh, i just wanted to add that when i need a drink the most is while making dinner--while 2 kids are screaming and clinging to my legs, and during bathtime. phew! but, i must say that being a mama is the best thing in the world. the hardest but the bestest! :)

[Avital]

Ha! Great post. My kids are so well trained, they actually bring me the coffee in the morning!

[Jerrie]

I survived architecture school on stubbornness and Dr. Pepper. My 2-year old, however, requires me to have coffee. One cup a day. One really, really, BIG cup. As in, I stole my husband's "Bubba Mug" cup and now consume half a pot of coffee with just one cup. It's awesome.

[KiwiBunnz]

Also, my FB status is currently "OMG... I <3 coffee" from before I read this...

[Matty's Mama]

LOL!!!! My ex husband used to say the same thing about coffee drinkers. "Coffee is for the weak"... until I introduced him to the cafe mocha at Starbucks. I however, have been a self proclaimed, long-time, non recovering caffeine addict! After my son, I now use downers too. BTW- there's a song by "Ralph's World" and it goes a little somethin' like this... "M-O-MM-Y needs C-O-FF-EE, D-A-DD-Y needs C-O-FF-EE..."

[Danielle]

Love the disclaimer at the end so very much. They are ugly.

Alyce (who is four) was asking me about good "growing drinks" the other day, as we were distinguishing between important drinks we have everyday (milk and water), and the ones that are treats (juice, chocolate milk). After listing milk and water, she quickly added: "and coffee, you have to have coffee."

Exactly.

[Erica Reed]

Is it since you haven't had coffee and see things negatively, or am I imagining that you're starting to draw yourself heavier? Now that I'm done reading this (and those comments) and finishing my coffee, I must go find chocolate. :)

[KiwiBunnz]

energy drinks? Even badder-ra for you!

[misstea]

AFA kids waking up too f'ing early... and I'm over people -- WITHOUT KIDS -- telling me to tell the kids to go back to bed at 5 in the morning. Like I haven't tried that?!? LOL. Or and here's a good one, "Just, like, tell them to totally play quietly in their rooms." Yeah... the quieter they are, the more alert I need to be. :)

[Erica]

and this is why my husband (who doesn't drink coffee) makes coffee Every. Single. Morning. without being asked LOL even though he gets up before me. I blame not only the children but the all the stupid people in my life for the occasions when beer is an evening necessity ;)

[tigerlilybt@gmail.com]

I actually tried to give up caffeine right around when my kiddo turned two and still wasn't sleeping through the night (I do NOT recommend this). I stubbornly struggled through a severe brain fog for several weeks until we went on a summer vacation to visit extended family. One morning, I emerged wild-eyed and furious from a night of hell in the oven-like, un-airconditioned upstairs room of my grandparent's house where I had slept - well, passed the night - with my wakeful toddler. The thought of facing a day filled with pleasant catch-up conversation with friendly relatives made me want to lash out violently. So my husband got me a cup of coffee, and I haven't looked back.

[Amber Dusick]

Wow, my PMS bloating comes through even in pictures? LOL

[Brit St.Clair]

Oops, didn't mean to put email address as name, must need more coffee!

[Kelli @ Momma Needs a Beer]

Sometimes, ya gotta put a little alcohol on it!! I totally feel you. Coffee (sometimes two, three times a day!) gets me through until my nerves get the best of me, and I definitely need a beer, cocktail or a glass of wine so my anxiety doesn't take over and turn me into Momma-monster. Gotta find the right formula to get you through motherhood, that's for sure!

[Cat York]

Right there with ya. xo

[Morgan Williams]

Yes i am there with ya for sure, i even sneak chocolate too man i have to in order to have a stinkin piece LOL

[Hillary Schmid]

Best blog post ever. The things you write could have been written myself. Thanks for the laughter today... The blah, blah, blahs at the end especially! :)

[Lisa ~ AutismWonderland]

"I don't need it. But they need me to have it." ~ that's gonna be my motto

[diana]

I could never understand those mothers I've seen in some movies, the ones addicted to amphetamines. They were home with the kids all day long. Ok, they did laundry and stuff, but come on... these hollywood writers...

Fast forward 5 years and one kid:
How where those pills called, please? :))))

[christine]

mamakate,I always referred to pre-dinner as the arsenic hour.Had to have something toxic to make it thru.

[Nerissa]

Have you tried port? That's my go-to! I don't like coffee either...chocolate's always good in the morning ;)

[TJ]

Sweets, I try to avoid refined sugars though. Caffeine makes me shake/my heart race and I avoid alcohol.

[Stephanie]

I still don't drink coffee, I think it's gross! I do wish I liked it though, the pick me up would be nice.

[Annie]

This is me too. Didn't drink it until after kids, addicts are weak. Now. I'm SUCH a better mom after my coffee in the morning. Nicer, more patient, more interested and I keep a damn tidy house too. And the wine is hilarious--I tend to just get cranky and have only dabbled with wine, but now that I read this I think I need to add it to my daily routine. I think bedtime would be way more mellow.

[*Laura*]

bahaha! my husband has done the same thing. one day i about lost it in the kitchen after dropping a freshly cooked meal all over the floor after a night of a non-sleeping baby and he didn't even ask, just went over to the coffee maker and started a pot. When it was done he got me a cup and asked me not to go without again :) i even named my blog (mommy needs her coffee) after my need for coffee everyday!

[Joyanna Bernardo]

Haha! Same for me! The things we do for our kids....

[Heather]

One of my favorite playdate moms texted me yesterday to ask me if I wanted Starbucks as she was stopping on her way over to my place. She showed up with a grande latte - she is awesome!! Better than Christmas! (really one of my 'big' gifts was tea towels).

[Meridith]

I pretty much love you. Never a coffee drinker before having a kid, I've now totally embraced it. And in the evening I watch enough reality tv to numb even the most manic mind. I'm not proud of it, but there it is.

[Kate]

I have a 15 month old and I'm pregnant!
I am not handling life as a recovering addict well at all. I've had to substitute those lovely drugs for ice cream, so now I will be tired, but also fat! Hurrah! What I used to do after a really hard day was spoil myself with sushi! And then wine in the bath. Sigh.
I too was a former caffeine-free smuggy. I'm sorry people!

[Tiffany]

I drank 32 oz of coffee and consumed basically a small apple pie for breakfast because I realized that it was already manager's specialed when Hubby brought it home two days ago and it was still on the counter and if I didn't step in, it would come to a tragic end in the trash can and that is too terrifying to imagine.

Also, "I don't need it. But they need me to have it." Going on the wall. Above the Keurig (which my boy can use to brew my coffee FOR ME ) and beside the wine rack (which is always mysteriously empty no matter how often I buy it presents.)

[Heather]

I know! I have Moms tell me that - and their kids sit there in their beds and wait!? What freakish kids do you have?
Though I have givens toddler my iPhone just so I can stay horizontal longer.

[Richard P]

haha, sneaking chocolate..... ;-)

[GrammaROma]

well- as a mom of 3 grown kids ( one whom is defying the odds of living at home while in school- who said 19 years was an education??.... and now on to PHD??) and also 5 grandkids- I either drink coffee and wine- or will have to inject chocolate directly into my veins... Although retired- my kids didn't get that memo- so now I care for 4 of the 5 grandkids.... most daily... and if the coffee and wine weren't addictive enough- apparently the love of grandkids is even more so.... here's to long life!!

[Sarah]

Ha ha, agreed! Chocolate is totally necessary! Sometimes I add chocolate whip cream. And sometimes I'll drink another cup in the afternoon as a pick me up. Whatever works!

[Charlotte]

To me it is black tea. I need it to wake up, to keep me going... but I have to stop in the evening and switch to herbal teas, so I can sleep.

And chocolate. Which doesn't go well with my low carb diet.

And cocaine when things are really rough.

Not really. ;o)

[Marlene]

I thought maybe you were working on Crappy Kids, Phase 3? Crappy Newborn??? Is there something you're not telling us? ;)
(I can only say that because it's not actually a real PICTURE of you, it's just you drawing you and you're probably adding extra lumps and bumps that aren't really there in real life... Plus, I've seen your REAL picture and you're annoyingly skinny, so it makes me feel good to accuse you of looking pregnant, even though I'm sure you don't in REAL life. I mean, unless you ARE... Hee hee.)

[Amy]

Yep, coffee, chocolate, and an occasional glass of wine are 100% necessary. As well as chamomile tea all day long. :P

[Jen]

You are HILARIOUS! Love your posts!