Crappy Pictures

of course I want to play with them

It happens almost every afternoon. They invite me to play on the rug with them.

And I don't wanna.

It is not that I don't want to play with them. Of course I want to play with them. Why wouldn't I? They are sweet kids.

It is that their invitation always arrives during my peak "extreme sleep risk" hours. And sitting on a rug increases the risk. 

These are the hours. Roughly:

This has to do with cortisone or seratonin or circadian rhythms or something like that. I'm not going to look this up for you because knowing the scientific reason behind something doesn't make it go away.

So the rug.

They lure me to it like Sirens. 

And I crash down onto it.   

Ahhhhhh. It feels good to sit. 

Sitting leads to reclining.

Wow. That feels even better. And then my arm falls asleep.

So I lay down. 

And then my whole body falls asleep.

For one blissful second. 

Children panic when adults lay down. It goes against their evolutionary programming. Just think what it was like for Paleolithic kids, "Mama down! No protect from lions! Up, Mama!"

We don't have lions in our family room. I pointed this out once. Explained it to them. They responded by jumping on my head, pretending to be lions. So I'm not going to point this out again.

The fact that they always jump on me is a good thing. Makes me feel safe falling asleep for two whole seconds. They haven't ever tiptoed away and smeared the walls with lipstick. Nah. They go for the lipstick when I'm cooking dinner.

So last Tuesday something else happened...

It starts out exactly the same.

Rug invitation. I sit on rug. Recline on rug. Lay down on rug. Sleep.  

Here I am, blissfully sleeping. Notice the kids are not in this picture?

I know what you are thinking and I would be thinking it too, except I'm, you know, asleep. 

Probably they are destroying something valuable. Probably they will wake me up by dumping a glass of water on my head. Probably they backed off the rug to get a running start to jump on me like a trampoline. 

Probably.

Wrong. 

Instead, I'm woken by a blanket being gently draped over me. 

And my toddler patting my back and asking me if I am "cozy" enough.

He asks me if I need cars.  

I'm not sure what this means exactly but I agree. I'll agree to absolutely anything this little guys suggests right now. If he asks me for a pony I will sell the family car to get him one. Immediately. But he doesn't.

He simply gingerly places two cars on top of the blanket.

And says, "there you go, Mama" and joins his brother, who is busy in the play kitchen across the room.

I am all set to nap. They are giving me permission! 

 

So of course I am totally awake.

And I get up to go play.

 Of course I want to play with them. Why wouldn't I? They are sweet kids. 

 

crappy laws of parenting, top 8 countdown...illustrated with crappy pictures™

I have two kids. This means that if one kid does x and the other one does y then I can conclude that 50% of all children do x and 50% of all children do y. This makes me a parenting expert.

Since I'm an expert, I've decided to start a new series called the Crappy Laws of Parenting based on my scientific research. Here is a countdown of the first eight laws. There are more. Tons more. But if I didn't stop at eight I'd never finish this post. 

Crappy Law of Parenting #8 (belated poop warnings)

When a toddler spontaneously says something like "No Poops!" while in the pool or bathtub, it is not an accurate status update.  Poop has already been produced. 

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Crappy Law of Parenting #7 (volume control)

When the phone rings, children will detect the level of importance and adjust their volume accordingly.

Telemarketer calls to get you to switch car insurance? Silence.

Husband calls to discuss dinner plans? Murmurs.

Friend calls to tell you a funny story? Slightly louder than inside voices. 

Family calls to tell you about a cousin's heart condition. Yelling. 

Work calls with concerns about your ability to work from home? Cacophonous shrieks. Deafening.

And so on.

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Crappy Law of Parenting #6 (naps are never safe)

If you've remembered to turn off your phone ringer during a nap, the doorbell will ring. Followed by loud knocking.  

If you go to the door, it will be someone trying to sell you something you don't want. If you pretend to not be home, you'll find out later it was a friend bringing you chocolate and wine.  She tried to call you, but your ringer was off.

Either way, it wakes up the baby.

 

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Crappy Law of Parenting #5 (inappropriate art surfaces)

Dry-erase markers will be used on everything except the dry-erase board.

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Crappy Law of Parenting #4 (the swearing parrot)

They are very precise about pinpointing the very best words to repeat over and over.

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Crappy Law of Parenting #3 (video cameras and genius defection)

The presence of a video camera immediately eradicates any talent they were just demonstrating.

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Crappy Law of Parenting #2 (quiet destruction)

The moment you think "they sure are quiet" it is already too late.

You run, but you can't run fast enough.

However!

Sometimes, sometimes what you find in the quiet will not be what you were expecting.

Which brings me to my all-time favorite law because it is totally awesome... 

Crappy Law of Parenting #1: They will NEVER stop surprising you. The moment you think you have them figured out...you don't.

 

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What are YOUR Crappy Laws of Parenting?  I'd love to hear them and possibly include them in the next round!

 

what it is like to (not) sleep at night - illustrated with crappy pictures™

INTRO: Here is installment #2 in my "real life parenting" series.  I draw crappy pictures because I don't have actual photos of these experiences.  Here goes...

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I've always been jealous of my husband's ability to fall asleep and stay asleep. It isn't his fault that he is a deep sleeper.  But I can't help it.  It totally pisses me off.  

We climb in bed at 9:00PM...

By 9:03 my husband is completely asleep.

I'm nursing my youngest and haven't even begun to think about sleeping yet.  I lay there motionless, pretending to be calm and relaxed so he'll fall asleep. Anyway, I'm cold since the blankets aren't on my top half.

So I pretend to be sleeping but really I'm going over the "to do" list or re-winding conversations from earlier.  Or having pretend conversations that might happen in the future.  On a good night the baby settles pretty fast.

Finally, around 10:00PM he is asleep.  Success!  He rolls over and my body is my own for the first time all day.  I can pull up the blankets a little.  I close my eyes for real.  Start to relax and let go...

Until I hear a noise.  

Becoming a mama has given me heightened spidey senses.  A tiny noise a mile away wakes me up like a mama bear, ready to protect her young.

My husband did not inherit this quality with parenthood.

Wide-eyed, I strain my ears to hear.  This particular noise is one I'm all too familiar with.

Enter 4.5 year old.  I thought he was asleep by now.  He has no concept of being quiet while people are sleeping, so he barges in loudly asking for random shit.  I have to jump out of bed and rush him out of the room so he doesn't wake the baby.  This attempt is successful about 50% of the time.  Lets assume it was successful tonight.

So now I'm in the hallway, hearing my 4.5 year old's demands and bargaining with him.  Water, bathroom or covers on or off, etc.  I have no real power here, I'll agree to anything to get him back in bed quietly.  When he has exhausted all the standard stuff, he finishes by needing to tell me something very important, like "I saw a rock today on the ground and it had dirt on it and I forgot to tell you! " and I steer him back to his room.

By the time I head back to my bed, the baby has turned into a starfish.  Legs and arms stretched out, taking up my whole side of the bed.

I slide next to and under him being careful not to wake him.  I can't move.  I'm scared to breathe.  This is a very delicate situation.  I have to move him.  I have to risk it.

The first attempt to move him just makes it worse.  He swings both arms and legs on top of me.  He is stirring now so I can't move a muscle.  I'm like a statue while I listen to his breathing to hear when he is in a deep sleep again to move him.   

Finally, it is midnight and I've successfully moved him.  I haven't heard my 4.5 year old in a while so he must be asleep too.  I fall asleep for the first time!

Until I'm woken by a foot in my eye.  I try to ignore it.  A foot in the eye is a sign that he is starting to move into a lighter sleep.  This means he'll wake up completly to nurse soon.  

So we're nursing again.  I'm half asleep but not mostly just feel like a zombie. My mind wanders to weird stuff.  I close my eyes and see flashes of people and places like a dream except I'm awake.   

Finally he settles again and rolls away.  It is 2:30AM and I can finally get some real sleep!  It is very unlikely that either kid is going to wake me up again. Sweet sleeping bliss.

Until the two cats come in at 5:00AM and announce that they are hungry.  They continue make this announcement every 15 minutes or so.  I ignore them.  But they know.  They know I'm their target. They know I'm awake no matter how hard I pretend.  They finally settle on my feet so that they will be alerted the moment I stir.  I get a few more minutes of sleep.     

Only to be woken at 7:00AM for a new day.  My 4.5 year old skips into our room and gleefully sings, "Morning!  It's morning time!"  Which wakes up the baby who replies with "Mownin!"  Then they start jumping on our bed.  

Even this doesn't wake up my husband.  He is sound asleep. Sometimes I look at his chest rising and falling with his breath to confirm that he is alive before unleashing the kids on him.  

"Go see Papa" I grumble. 

They have to poke his head and repeat "Papa!" over and over and he finally wakes up.

And what is the first thing out of his mouth?  The one and only thing I DON'T want him to say?

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.